“Death by Lightning” Reveals President James Garfield Hated Mondays

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

LOS ANGELES — Netflix’s new historical miniseries “Death by Lightning”, which focuses on the career and ultimate assassination of the 20th U.S. President James Garfield, has shed light on the much-overlooked politician’s time in office—including the fact that he had a particular distaste for Mondays, per reports. 

“There are so many little tidbits and interesting details from this time period that I find fascinating,” historian and TV critic Anthony Andrews told the press. “Reconstruction as a period of American history has long been underexplored in popular media. Furthermore, I’m learning more about James Garfield himself as a historical figure. I had no idea that he hated Mondays so much; there are multiple scenes where the word ‘MONDAY’ appears across the bottom of the screen and Garfield is depicted as visibly grumpy that day…I guess the Sunday Scaries even existed in 1880!” 

Actor Michael Shannon expounded upon his interest in the role and the series in a recent interview. 

“Any time I get the opportunity to play a weird little freak, I’ll take it,” said Shannon. “I’m joking, of course. But I was absolutely fascinated by this script and the surprises just kept coming as I continued reading. For example, did you know that this era was the time where the most lasagna was consumed in the Oval Office? I had no idea. I’m assuming that was due to the first large-scale wave of Italian immigrants coming to America around that time, but I severely underestimated just how pervasive Italian-American cuisine would become to the fabric of our country in a very short amount of time. President Garfield apparently loved it so much that he would request it for dinner multiple times a week. What a life!” 

Some viewers have noted that while the writing, costumes, and overall production quality of “Death by Lightning” are strong, they were a bit put off by some of the B-plot storylines. 

“I think the only things that kind of threw me off a little were the hijinks that Garfield and Chester A. Arthur would get into when they weren’t being presidential,” noted historical drama aficionado Ashley Mumma. “Like that one episode when the White House got a comfy new sitting chair and the two of them stood on each arm fighting over whose it was. Finally an aide yelled at them to share and Garfield stuffed Arthur underneath the chair cushion, saying ‘I’ll take the top half.’ Or when he tried to ship Arthur to Abu Dhabi in a box, only for him to be returned to the White House doorstep. It just seemed a little tonally inconsistent in comparison to the rest of the show.” 

At press time, co-star Matthew Macfadyen told journalists that one of Charles Guiteau’s lesser-known nicknames was “Odie.”

#RestoreTheSnyderverse Guy Changes Address On Anthrax Envelope

Posted on by Brian Wishart

BOISE, Idaho — After the announcement of Netflix’s intent to buy out Warner Brothers film and streaming businesses, local Zack Snyder fan Harrison Watford has changed the mailing address he is sending his lethal anthrax envelopes in an attempt to get the director’s DC universe back on track.

“All my previous letters went unanswered,” said Watford. “I first tried violent rhetoric on social media under the #RestoreTheSnyderverse hashtag with no luck. DC under Warner Brothers seemed committed to making money rather than helping Zack Snyder continue to make films that reflect his uncompromised vision. Letters containing anthrax spores is the obvious next step to the legion of fans having their voices heard. David Zaslav and James Gunn both still draw breath so my plan hasn’t worked yet. But I will not stop until Superman is sad again.”

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos is unafraid of threats and criticism as he believes his company is giving the consumers and the film industry what they want.

“I will sacrifice as many mailroom employees as I need to,” said Sarandos. “As a company we enjoy reaping the profits from cancelling beloved and popular television series. We will continue our mission to increase shareholder value while killing the theatrical experience. We might consider reevaluating WB’s current stance on no longer allowing Zack Snyder to make films. Our research indicates that unprecedented numbers of our subscribers fell asleep during Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire and Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver. People falling asleep and loudly snoring in the comfort of their home is another benefit to the service we provide that theatrical exhibition discourages.”

Zack Snyder is open to continuing his partnership with Netflix and would welcome the opportunity to return to making superhero films.

“Anthrax seems a little extreme but I like extreme,” said Zack Snyder. “ I look at these anthrax letters as love letters. It’s fans being passionate about what they want. I like what James Gunn has been cooking with the DC universe but maybe there is room for some Zack in the mix? Netflix is the best at juicing their numbers and once Zack Snyder’s Justice League becomes an official Netflix original hopefully we can convince the bean counters to greenlight Zack Snyder’s Justice League 2: Ezra Miller Returns.

At press time, Sarandos has reportedly instructed mailroom employees to send any anthrax filled envelopes to movie theaters worldwide.

Guest Removed From Dionysus’ Party for Decent Exposure

Posted on by Kate Danvers

MT OLYMPUS — A mild kerfuffle erupted at a party hosted by Dionysus when a guest was asked to leave. Alexios Nicolatis of Athens was escorted out after failing to adhere to the dress code of the event.

“This is a brand new toga,” Nicolatis said in an interview outside of the venue, “they’ve got satyrs in there bearing it all. I don’t see what the problem is.”

Nicolatis was told he could rejoin the party if he changed into something more appropriate. When asked about the incident, the God of Revelry clarified that Nicolatis wasn’t removed for indecent exposure..

“No ‘in’, just decent,” Dionysus explained, “that toga was covering everything. I enjoy unwrapping a gift as much as the next deity, but I’m holding parties every day, every hour on the hour, at six and ten, for two hours at a time, and every fifteen minutes. That’s a lot of laundry to do. Where’s your sense of indecency?”

Nicolatis seemed to understand after having the dress code explained to him by nymphs waiting in line outside the venue.

“I guess I should have realized when I saw the host of the party was dressed in a leopard print banana hammock that looked like it was holding the whole bunch.”

At press time, the Mount Olympus party venue now has a sign on the door reading ‘No Shirt, No Sandals, No Sobriety’.

Townspeople Furious After Samus Aran Repeatedly Drives Motorcycle 120 MPH Through School Zone

Posted on by Ben Friedman

GALACTIC OUTPOST 673 — Residents of the Galactic Federation outpost held an emergency town meeting last night to determine how to tackle the issue of bounty hunger Samas Aran repeatedly blowing through school zones at 120 mph.

“We didn’t have any problems until Samus returned from her ‘business trip’ with that frightening motorcycle, which she insists on doing a buck twenty past the local middle school during pickup time. We know she’s done so much to protect the galaxy, which is why we’ve overlooked the unsightly space pirate viscera covering her ship or her space jumping across rooftops, but this is a serious problem,” said concerned parent Ryan Xylox. “The neighborhood watch has tried talking to her like a rational person, but all she does is flip us off while doing wheelies. If she doesn’t slow down, I’m getting the Superintendent involved, darn it!”

Samus dismissed the townspeople’s complaints outright.

“Boo fucking hoo. I didn’t go to school because I was too busy growing up in mountains and caves with bird people, so excuse me if Vi-0-La and I want to tear up some asphalt. If you want to blame anyone, it’s the city planner’s fault for putting a school on a 20 kilometer stretch of road. Where else am I supposed to open this baby up?” said Aran while doing donuts outside of the outpost’s 7-11. “These people are always looking for something to complain about. It’s all ‘no morph ball boosting’ or ‘no shinesparking’. Well next time Ridley shows up, they can call a different bounty hunter. Mama’s gonna ride her hog.”

Outpost police were well aware of the numerous complaints against Samus.

“We respond to multiple Samus related complaints every week but most of them end up being nothing, like walking her Metroid without a leash. This one though is a bit more serious, I mean she’s been riding that bike hard and someone’s kid is going to get hurt,” said officer Grant Henderson. “The only problem is that Samus literally does not give a shit about fines or jail time, plus she has some insane contract with the Federation so our hands are tied. If parents are concerned, I’d recommend home schooling before I get on Samus’ bad side.”

At press time, neighbors looked on helplessly after Samus began ramping Vi-0-La off of the school’s newly installed speed bumps for massive air.

Link Missing After US Military Blows Up King of Red Lions

Posted on by Tim Graham

CARIBBEAN SEA — Scattered flotsam is all that remains of Link’s ship after being struck by the US military, according to leaked Signal chats.

“I can’t believe they bombed Link,” said a clearly distraught Tetra, one of the diminutive hero’s adventuring companions. “He wasn’t hurting anyone, he was just out searching for treasure chests as he’s always done. I was out sailing and actually discovered the debris field. At first I thought the King of Red Lions had been attacked by a Gyorg, but when I spotted a Predator drone circling high above, I knew what had happened. I think the US military made a major mistake but are unwilling to admit to it. Instead, they’re doubling down, accusing Link of terrible, untrue things.”

Pentagon spokesperson Col. Francis Dufresne claims Link was transporting drugs and therefore represented a legitimate target.

“US intelligence has been aware of the narcoterrorist known as ‘Link’ for some time,” said the clench-jawed Dufresne. “Those who consider him a hero would be shocked to learn that Link was in league with some of South America’s most notorious drug traffickers. The insidious operation went like this: Venezuelan drug cartels would drop chests full of fentanyl into the sea and send a ‘treasure chart’ to Link, who would then use a grappling hook to retrieve them and bring them to the US. The amount of drugs in each one of those chests was enough to kill hundreds of millions of innocent, cherubic Americans.”

Link’s associate Tingle claims to have witnessed the attack from nearby Tingle Island.

“There I was at the top of Tingle Tower, enjoying the day’s first mojito, when I spotted something on the horizon,” said Tingle while pantomiming the scene. “I looked through my spyglass and saw the boat belonging to my good friend Mr. Fairy! I was just about to send a Fishman to tell him to swing on by for brunch when a missile dropped from the sky and obliterated the poor little guy! I was in such a state after witnessing that horrific event that I had to spend the rest of the week abed!”

At press time, Tetra announced that a battered Link had been found alive after washing up on a Puerto Rican beach.

I Don’t Like You Either, Pal (Guest Column by Myles MacKenzie)

Posted on by Nick Coffman

Listen up, nerds—and this time, I don’t mean that as a compliment. For weeks, the internet has been abuzz about my appearance in the Metroid Prime 4: Beyond trailer.

“He’s annoying.”

“Will he shut up?”

“I hope he dies.”

It’s become perfectly clear that you guys do not like me. It’s disheartening, but guess what? I don’t like you either, pal.

How dare you judge me? You don’t even know me. I could be a Galactic Federation bad***. Wouldn’t you feel so stupid if that turns out to be the case?

I don’t even care that you don’t like me. I’ve seen the things you like, and whoo boy, you should be embarrassed.

Sylux? You like Sylux? He doesn’t even talk. His armor is pointy. He might as well be a cactus. Is that what you’re into? Cacti? Sounds kinky.

Oh, wait, is Adam your favorite? Now I know you’re a nerd—again, not a compliment—cause he’s a computer. I might love computers, but I don’t love computers, if you know what I mean.

Don’t even get me started on all of you who like Metroid: Other M, unironically. I have no idea how to solve all of your problems, and I’m a master at giving hints. Maybe… try your missiles?

Do you feel big hating me? Is it fun kicking ole Myles Mack while he’s down? This was supposed to be my big moment. Instead, I’ve got a bunch of mouth breathers who call themselves fans of Nintendo’s sixth biggest franchise throwing unprovoked insults at me. What is this, pin the roast on the Myles?

You’ve replayed Ocarina of Time how many times? You’re cool with Navi now, right? Well guess what, bud, you’re just going to have to deal with Myles Mack, cause Myles Mack is here to stay. I’m a lean, mean, advice-spouting machine, hold the mayo.

You’ve waited eight whole years to play this game, but you’ve now got reservations because of my role as a side-character. Listen, pal. It sounds like you were already miserable before I got here. How about you spend less time dissecting a game trailer and more time checking the map? It might be a good idea to get our bearings.

It’s time for Myles Mack and there’s no going back.

See you losers in Smash.

Health Concerns Grow After Professor Oak Forgets Grandson’s Name Again

Posted on by Garry Kerls

PALLET TOWN — Professor Oak was seen visibly confused over the weekend after once again forgetting his own grandson’s name while handing out another Pokédex to the town’s newest trainer, sparking fresh health concerns from citizens across the region, sources confirm. 

“He looks awful! He’s asking random children if they know his own grandson’s name. The man is not well!” said Jamie Taggert, a journalist from Viridian City who covers socio-political Pokémon news across Kanto. “The Professor is expected to push the boundaries of the relationships between people and Pokémon, and Oak simply does not have the mental capacity to deserve that title.”

Sources close to the professor have denied any allegations that his mental health is slipping. Some have even blamed the radical left-wing Lunatones for spreading misinformation online.

“The Professor has never been healthier! He just had a check-up last month and the Doctor told him he has never seen a healthier person in his life,” said Malory Fineberg, Professor Oak’s lead research assistant.  “Any signs of forgetfulness is most likely attributed to a Drowzee experiment that was focusing closely on the effects of the move amnesia.”

Staunch supporters of the Professor have taken offense to the internet’s diagnosis, and have gone to lengths to defend Oak’s name on social media. 

“Not sure why forgetting his grandon’s name once can even compare to the years and years of sleepy Professor Elm turning the once thriving Johto region into a cesspool of illegal immigrants,” said one Oak supporter on a Reddit post suggesting the Professor should resign. “Accept it, he’s your town’s professor, get over it, you lost, we won.”

At press time, one local 10-year-old has reminded Professor Oak that his grandson’s name is BUTTFACE. 

Guy with 5 Likes on Letterboxd Feeling Pretty High and Mighty

Posted on by Matt Fresh

TORONTO — Local cinephile Ryan Marks is proclaiming himself to be the next Roger Ebert after he received five likes on his Letterboxd review of the 1999 film The Mummy.

“I am a taste maker. My word is gospel in film circles now. When I watch a movie, people yearn to know my thoughts. Without my valuable input people wouldn’t know whether a movie is worth their valuable time. For years people have wondered who the next great film critic would be, the one who everyone goes to. Well it is I, the next Roger Ebert has arrived. I am now the foremost authority on the art of film and my words will be known,” wrote Marks on social media while bragging about how many likes his review got.

Marks’ friends and family have said he has become insufferable to be around since he acquired so many likes.

“He’s started to talk in a fake posh accent. Whenever someone brings up a movie he takes over the conversation saying he knows more than us,” said Gus, one of Marks’ few remaining friends. “If we disagree with hims he yells ‘Silence’ and then insults us. He even starts writing his Letterboxd reviews before the movie is even over. He’s really starting to piss us off. It doesn’t even make sense. Three of those likes were from us and the review itself wasn’t even his, Shawn said it but he doesn’t have a Letterboxd.”

According to those who work at Letterboxd, this sort of thing happens often.

“About once a month someone will get more than three likes on a review and have it go to their head,” said Holly Persaud, best known as one of the hands that holds the microphone as celebrities reveal their four favorites. “It usually lasts for a week or two but they come down to earth pretty quickly after none of their other reviews get any likes whatsoever. We estimate it’s happened to 99 percent of all Letterboxd users. Really every single user that doesn’t have a large following succumbs to this.”

At press time, Marks has started a Substack where readers can pay for his thoughts on film. It has zero subscribers.

Local Man Enjoys Playthrough of Prince of Persia in Spite of White Guilt

Posted on by Matt Fresh

SAN FRANCISCO — Bay Area gamer Wilson Holt has revealed that he is enjoying his time playing through the Prince of Persia series despite his feelings of white guilt.

“They’re really great games. I just finished Sands of Time and started Warrior Within. They hold up. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to enjoy them this much though. It feels a bit like cultural appropriation but also I’m not sure since I don’t know any Persian people in real life. Not by choice of course. I’m not avoiding them or anything. I’m totally not racist,” said Holt on social media.

According to Holt’s friends he has been apologetically raving about the games all week.

“Any time we talk about video games now he just goes on and on about Prince of Persia and he always acts like it’s wrong. He can never just praise it. He’s always prefacing it with things like ‘despite my lack of knowledge on the culture’ and ‘even though it feels stereotypical’. It’s really annoying. Just enjoy the game bro. He’s always acting like he’s failing some kind of purity test. It’s a nasty habit he probably picked up to make up for the fact his parents are super racist.”

Series creator Jordan Mechner weighed in claiming this happens often.

“White people have been feeling guilty about enjoying these games since I made the first one back in 89. It’s a common problem. But as the white American with white European ancestry who created the Prince of Persia series I can assure mister Holt and any other fans feeling white guilt that they are allowed to enjoy the games. They have my permission and that’s all they need.”

At press time, Holt was reportedly about to watch the 2010 film adaptation well known for its authentically white cast.

Final Fantasy 7 Fan Activates After Hearing Someone Proclaim Different Entry as Favorite

Posted on by Matt Fresh

CHICAGO — Tyson Smith, a self-described Final Fantasy 7 fanatic has been activated upon hearing someone proclaim Tactics as their favorite Final Fantasy game, sources close to Smith have confirmed.

“We were all having a nice friendly discussion about the games we were looking forward to. Mark said he was excited to play the Final Fantasy Tactics remaster since it’s his favorite Final Fantasy and Tyson just went ballistic,” said Smith’s friend Nicholas. “He started ranting and raving about how Mark wasn’t a real Final Fantasy fan and that Tactics was basically a spin-off and doesn’t count. Then he ended up on a tangent about how the world was doomed to destruction and only him and other Final Fantasy 7 fans would be left standing.”

Smith stated that hearing someone declare an entry other 7 as their favorite gave him the clarity to know what he must do.

“It had never even occurred to me before that there could be people out there with such incorrect opinions. I had heard of such things but assumed it was only internet bots since everyone with a brain knows 7 is the best Final Fantasy no contest. But now I know we have a lot of educating to do in the Final Fantasy community. We need to eradicate these fake fans, cull the weak while only the strong survive. The Clouds and the Sephiroths will prevail.”

Other members of the Final Fantasy fandom are not shocked to hear of Smith’s activation.

“Oh we know all about him. He gets triggered all the time in the subreddit,” said r/FinalFantasy mod MoogleMan. “Any time there’s a topic that praises literally any entry that isn’t 7 or one of the spin-offs of 7 he gets really upset and harasses people. I’m talking like hundreds of replies. Dude crashes out any time someone says 7 isn’t the greatest game ever made. We’re really ashamed of him, honestly, he makes the rest of us look bad.”

At press time, Smith was reportedly seen outside of a Gamestop in full Sephiroth cosplay harassing anyone purchasing Final Fantasy Tactics: The Ivalice Chronicles