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REPORT: You Can’t Tell Mom, She’d Totally Freak!

EVANSTON, Ill. – A startling new report was published today, detailing how much your Mom is going to flip out if she finds out that you and your brother had a party and trashed the house while she was out at her co-worker’s wedding this weekend, sources have confirmed.

“I thought you said you were just inviting a few of your friends, not the entire Junior Class!,” said your brother Griffin as he desperately tried to eliminate a beer stain on the rug. “We’re toast, man. We’re not going to be grounded, we’re going to be ultra-mega-grounded. I mean, we’re not going to see daylight until college!”

The report went on to predict your Mom will go even more ballistic since you were supposed to be babysitting your little sister, Judy.

“I’m 13-years-old, I think I’m a little old to need a babysitter,” said Judy while taking photographs of you to use as blackmail. “I promise not to tell Mom, but you’re going to take me to that concert next weekend in the city she doesn’t want me to go to! And if our car gets stolen or we wind up in a drug war or something, I don’t want to hear any complaining. You owe me! Forever.”

While the report does suggest that you finally building up the courage to ask your crush out after standing up to your rival out on the front yard may make you think it was all worth it, it will do nothing to stymie the fact that your Mom is going to blow her top when she gets home.

“Yeah, it’s so cool that you’re going on a date with Samantha,” said Griffin. “That’s really going to warm my heart when Mom rearranges my room into a prison cell. Goodbye, free world, it was nice knowing ya!”