TOKYO — A court filing revealed that Nintendo Co., Ltd. is pursuing $30 million in damages for the act of reading an article about Nintendo’s legal endeavors on the gaming satire website Hard Drive, presenting this article as evidence for immediate relief.
“It was simply a matter of tracing the defendant’s IP-address, cross-referencing with local informants, and paying a team of private investigators to break into their house,” said Nintendo attorney Spencer Nelson. “After compiling all available evidence, we were able to establish beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant read the article ‘Nintendo Sues You for Reading This Article,’ and therefore we had basis to pursue this suit.”
Nintendo’s president Shuntaro Furukawa commented on accusations that the company’s legal team had been overzealous in their pursuit of fans for engaging in activities like emulation, game preservation, participation in unsanctioned “Super Smash Bros.” tournaments, and reading this article.
“‘Oh no, Nintendo’s suing people! Oh no! They shouldn’t do that! Wahhh!’ Literally that’s what you sound like,” said Furukawa. “That’s what you sound like. But you’re still going to buy our reheated Pokémon game next year, aren’t you, huh? You little bitch. You’re gonna post a comment about how we are actively working against the preservation of games as an art form and then you’re gonna make a thread on Resetera speculating when we’re gonna announce the Switch 2. I’m gonna sue you for even asking me about this. And you’re gonna pay $90 for the next Zelda which runs on the equivalent of an iPhone 4s. Because it’ll be incredible. Suck my asshole.”
Your best friend spoke to Hard Drive about the pending case.
“I mean, is it even legal to sue someone for reading an article? That seems like a First Amendment thing, right?” said your best friend. “I can’t imagine that’s legal. But Nintendo has an incredible team, so they’ll probably win this one. Someone’s got to stop them, they can’t keep suing everyone who looks at them wrong. Anyways, do you think they’ll do a remake of ‘The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages/Seasons’ in the style of ‘Link’s Awakening’? That would be sick, right?”
At press time you were last seen drinking heavily, looking at your bank account, and crying, before booting up “Animal Crossing: New Horizons.”
