MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Moo Moo Meadows, famed kart-racing destination and family-owned dairy farm, was razed to make room for a new Wario-themed stadium, according to the Mushroom Kingdom Development Authority.
”While it was a difficult choice to reduce this idyllic farmland to smoldering rubble, the state-of-the-art Warclays Stadium will turbo-boost our economy while keeping us competitive with the likes of Koopa Kingdom and China,” the authority’s Spokesman Toad said. “We’re striving to fairly compensate the owners of Moo Moo Meadows and humanely slaughter all the relocated Moo Moos and Monty Moles. YAHOO!”
The project has been speeding ahead despite widespread outrage over the loss of Mushroom Kingdom’s only sustainable dairy farm, as well as skepticism about the stadium’s necessity.
“We already have a perfectly good Wario Stadium, plus countless arenas for tennis and fighting and every other goddamn sport, but the royal coffers never open for things like better hospitals,” said a neighborhood Goomba. “Rainbow Road is filled with potholes, for Christ’s sake.”
“Who knows why they destroyed this beautiful farm when there are vast expanses of land with nothing but weird platforms and spiky balls and shit,” the Goomba added. “It must be Wario’s ego since he always lost races at the Moo Moo tracks. It’s a shame we blindly follow the whims of the super-rich, but coins really talk in this kingdom.”
Wario convinced Princess Peach to approve Warclays Stadium after agreeing to use his allegedly illicit fortunes to help with financing. He appeared unperturbed by the public outcry.
“WHAAAAT are all these a-greedy peasants a-griping about!? As the richest and most genius guy in the kingdom, Wario knows-a what’s best for everyone,” Wario noted before unhinging his jaw to devour a porterhouse steak sourced from the erstwhile Moo Moo Meadows. He also said the existing Wario Stadium will be converted to provide “sorely needed new housing,” although Spokesman Toad later clarified that Wario plans to turn it into a supersized palace for himself.
At press time, sources confirmed that Mario has ignored preservationists and demolished yet another centuries-old Koopa castle, this time for a new soccer stadium.
