LOS ANGELES – A joint decision by Mojang and Warner Bros. Studios was met with controversy and excitement from fans this morning, as sources confirmed Minecraft: The Movie would allow viewers to vote in a poll for one of three arbitrary endings to be included in the final film.
“We know it’s a bold decision, and definitely not one made lightly,” said Grant Sparchs, an Executive Producer on the upcoming film. “The truth is, the script was in limbo all the way to the end of shooting. Eventually I had to say guys, enough, you and I both know what this movie needs: a writing duo no one has ever heard of and a poll so divisive it single-handedly destroys the trust of an entire brand overnight.”
The addition of the aforementioned poll, which appears as a barcode that movie-goers can scan on their phones in the theater, has already received strong feedback from audiences who participated in test screenings earlier in the week.
“On the whole, I think Minecraft fans are pretty reasonable,” said Roy Bruner, a Minecraft streamer who threatened to commit federal crimes if the Moobloom was not added to the game in the 2020 Mob Vote. “It was an honor to be a part of the first test screening, and let me tell you, for the first two hours, I was sold. I loved the action. I loved the tongue-in-cheek humor. I loved the precocious Villager played by Aquafina who falls through the world, only to be saved at the last moment by the chunk loading in, leaving her completely immobilized in stone and unable to cry for help, unable to speak at all, not even a final prayer to an absent God, meanwhile Steve and her village thinks she’s dead but oh no, she’s very much alive, down there in the silent dark. There’s just so much to love.”
“Unfortunately, just as Steve, Alex, and Pedro Pascal are about to step through the portal to the End to confront the Ender Dragon, that QR code popped onscreen, the house lights went up, and we were prompted to vote on one of three endings before the movie could proceed,” continued Bruner. “I’m not just talking three ideas for an ending. I mean three distinct, fully-realized, actual endings. Footage was shot and color-graded. Audio and music were mixed. LGBT undertones between Steve and Herobrine were digitally removed for the international box office. Everything was there. It made me think: why give us a choice at all, like don’t these guys know how to make their own movie? Is it just to farm engagement? To delude us with the illusion of influence? To spur the gears of a conflict so old and so ravenous it would devour the world and salt the earth, so only the black seeds of its own resurrection grow? Because as a content creator, I can’t condone that.”
Other Minecraft influencers have reportedly undertaken drastic measures to ensure their ending of choice gets the most votes.
“Chains, hammers, steel pipes, switchblades, broken bottles, wrenches, hatchets, razor blades,” announced Minecraft creator Dream before a literally captive theater audience last Friday, tapping a baseball bat playfully along the metal railing as he stalked the aisles flanked by goons in Dream masks. “Just thought you should know what’s in our inventories, should some brave soul try to play hero with me or my… associates. It’s no secret why we’re here. We want to continue watching Minecraft: The Movie, same as you. But unlike some of you, we have, let’s call them, strong thoughts when it comes to Steve defeating the Ender Dragon by teaching it the power of imagination and demonstrating how the very same hands that dig and destroy can also be used to rebuild, that the Endermen move blocks not out of a desire to grief but rather an urge to create that is universal in all worlds. Isn’t that beautiful? Doesn’t that touch your damned, wicked hearts? It better, because this isn’t going to be like Mob Vote 2021.”
“Should I catch anyone voting for one of the other two garbage endings, you’ll find my Hunters have plenty of experience digging holes. Tell the Moobloom and Iceologer, Dream sends his regards.”
At press time, Warner Bros. and Mojang were reportedly considering opening the poll up to a wider audience via social media platform X (formerly Twitter), that way bots could get their votes in well before the film officially lands in theaters.
