WASHINGTON D.C. — Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), also known as Civilian 2 from “GoldenEye 64,” has been appointed Attorney General in the Trump administration, making him the first character from the game to hold a U.S. Cabinet role.
“Honestly, it’s shocking,” said one unnamed Russian GoldenEye guard. “I never thought Gaetz would make it out of the game, let alone into government. But, then again, it kinda makes sense. No matter how many times he runs into walls or gets shot, he just keeps going. That kind of durability is perfect for Washington.”
President Donald Trump, unsurprisingly, praised Gaetz’s “GoldenEye” pedigree as key to his selection.
“I love the ‘GoldenEye’ series—just tremendous,” Trump said from Mar-a-Lago. “I considered Jaws, Oddjob, Baron Samedi, but Gaetz—he’s the guy. Our little idiot who just keeps moving. A lot of people are idiots but can be good people. And Matt really wants to show what an idiot with a head that big can do for our country. Have you seen his head? Just amazing.”
Meanwhile, “GoldenEye” director Mark Hollis expressed serious concerns about Gaetz’s new role.
“We never intended for Civilian 2 to become… this,” Hollis said, visibly distressed. “It all started with the ‘Big Head Mode’ Easter egg. Civilian 2 was already a mess, but when that oversized pixelated head showed up, it was haunting. Then it started showing signs of sentience. It began offering drugs to players it deemed ‘cool,’ and there were reports of it luring younger players into what seemed like a sex trafficking scheme. We thought the game’s decline would end that, but years later, we saw the same character running for office in Florida. And now, here he is, in a position of power. I have no idea what happens next.”
As of press time, President Trump continues to consider other controversial video game characters for Cabinet roles, including Pyramid Head from “Silent Hill” for Secretary of the Interior, Hitler’s Head in a jar from “Wolfenstein” in an advisory role, and Kirby for a role not yet determined.
