NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK- The masked vigilante known as Spider-Man has destroyed yet another family by committing his worst crime yet: dropping off an injured civilian at an out-of-network hospital.
“I wish that webhead had just left me to die,” Matthew Dobbins said from his hospital bed. “I’d much prefer drowning in a pool of Scorpion’s venom than sitting here, drowning in a pool of debt that I’ll never be able to repay. My life is over.”
Mr. Dobbins isn’t the first victim of Spider-Man’s insidious insurance illegality. Many people have been victims of the spider’s so-called “rescuing.”
“I sometimes daydream about what my life would be like if Spider-Man hadn’t pulled me out of that burning building. I’d be so much happier if he had just left me to burn alive under that pile of rubble,” Colette Shepherd said outside of her recently foreclosed home. “I didn’t even have any significant injuries. They put a band-aid over a cut on my arm. That cost $30,000. I was also charged a $120,000 ‘febreeze fee’ for making the room smell smokey.”
J. Jonah Jameson, Editor-In-Chief of The Daily Bugle and vocal Spider-Man critic thinks there may be even more at play.
“Spider-Man is clearly in cahoots with the insurance companies. They’re making a killing off of the saving of victims all over the city. It’s disgusting! At least give these people the dignity of dying a quick death over the slow miserable death that comes at the hand of crippling medical debt!” Jameson said, adding, “I don’t even want pictures of that guy anymore. He sickens me.”
At press time, civilians of New York who wish not to be destroyed by America’s predatory healthcare system are being advised to wear articles of clothing which communicate they wish to not be saved by Spider-Man.
