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What to Know About Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny premieres June 30th and we slipped past the booby traps, dodged a rolling boulder, and sneaked out with every bit of info we could. And then we wrote it into this list and published it on our website!

Shia LaBeouf Still Doesn’t Know About It

In an effort to preserve the film’s quality, Harrison Ford assured LaBeouf he was just on vacation and there was no new Indiana Jones in development.

The Film Will Be The Only Topic of Conversation Between You and Your Dad for Two Months

Disney has confirmed that your awkward, stilted conversation with your father during brief visits home will be dominated by Indiana Jones 5 as it is the only piece of pop culture he is aware of from the last decade.

Spielberg’s Script Was Rejected

Legendary director Stephen Spielberg was forced off the project after producers didn’t like his script that explored Indiana Jones’ Jewish upbringing and parents’ divorce in the 1950s.

The Movie Is Woke

Right-Wing fans of the franchise have already decried the movie’s blatantly negative portrayal of Nazis.

It Will Be Ford’s Last Appearance as the Character Until Someone Writes Another Script

Harrison Ford has finally sworn off playing Indiana Jones in the future unless someone writes another Indiana Jones movie.

It Was Cheaper to Clone Young Harrison Ford Than Digitally De-Age Him, and While the Clone Was Beloved by Cast and Crew He Did Not Live Long and Withered to a Husk Moments After Calling Cut

Sad.

John Williams Pretty Much Just Phoned This One In

By the composer’s own admission, he just kind of slowed down the Indiana Jones theme to sound more triumphant and nostalgic and called it a day.