Starfield, Bethesda’s latest RPG promises to take gamers on a tour of a fantastic new galaxy with planets you could only dream about. The company says there are over 1,000 unique biomes and environments to discover. However, I have it on good authority that there are a fair number of worlds the company simply didn’t have the balls to include. Here are 20 planets you shouldn’t expect to see while zooming through space, because Bethesda are cowards, plain and simple.
Planet With a Kick Ass Treehouse
There should be a world where you go up into a sweet treehouse and they’ve got a Bluetooth speaker up there and you can just hang.
A Desert Planet That’s Like Tatooine but Isn’t Tatooine
Half the fun of these games is to pretend you’re in Star Wars and they’ve always got one of these in them.
A Disco Ball Planet Where the 70’s Never Stopped
The party goes allllllllllllllll night on this planet! Equip your +3 Charisma polyester suit and get out on the dance floor.
A Halo From Halo
You’re telling me Bethesda is owned by Microsoft in a chilling example of how consolidation is eating the video game industry alive and we can’t even get a fucking Halo in there to make up for it?
Let’s get some Rare shit in here too for that matter. Why not?
Planet That Smells Awful
And every few seconds your guy goes “Geez, this place reeks.”
Planet Where All the White People Are Black and All the Black People Are White
Don’t pretend whatever planet in the game is a metaphor for racism will be less subtle than this.
Planet Where I Can Buy a Fucking Sandwich for Lunch for Under $15
And let’s try to do better than Jersey Mikes, okay?
Planet With Not Much Going on Where You Can Chill and Have a Beer
Maybe I don’t want the fate of the galaxy on my shoulders, you ever think of that?
Waterworld: A Live Sea War Spectacular at Universal Studios Hollywood
More planets should actually just be theme park stunt shows based on failed Kevin Costner films.
I can’t believe they didn’t put this in the game. If you’re reading this after it’s published maybe they put it in. But I’m playing the game right now and they forgot to put the Moon in. It’s really embarrassing, actually.
Come on, give me one planet where a bunch of Draculas are running around going “Bleh! I Vant To Suck Your Blood!” It’d be really spooky.
Planet of the Apes
The old-school version with the guys in the suits. The Andy Serkis ones are already in the game.
It’s square instead of round.
This is just my opinion, but does anyone else think this is the best Fallout game?
Planet Where Everyone Skateboards and Does Sick Kickflips
You should have to enter the Space X-Games to save the Space Rec Center.
A Second Earth
Just plop this one in anywhere, guys. It’s not like anyone would notice.
Planet Where the Movie Blackhat Was a Hit
Can you believe Michael Mann is just now getting out of Director Jail? This movie rocks.
Let’s get gooey.
A Planet Without A Bunch of Shit to Pick Up
Just give me a moment of peace, I’m begging you.