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“Please Stop Insulting Me on My Size,” Our Interview With Tiny Widdle Baby Tom Holland

We sat down with tiny widdle baby actor Tom Holland to discuss his upcoming projects, life as a celebrity, and the fact that he hates when people talk about how small and young he looks!

Would you ever consider doing another Lip Sync Battle like the iconic one you did to Umbrella?

“I do one every single night before I go to bed for myself in the mirror. I put on my PJs, brush my teeth, and do an all-out rendition of Blues Traveler’s ‘Run Around.’ I don’t know any of the words and I usually fall four or five times, but if you saw it you’d be moved to tears. But I’ll never show a single soul. It’s just for me.”

What was your experience with the late Stan Lee like?

“Most people don’t know, but far before I ever landed the role of Spider-Man, Stan Lee was my roommate in college. I always wondered why an elderly American man was enrolled in a British University, and why he was living in the dorms, but we were inseparable. I only took the role of Peter Parker as a favor to Stan for helping me cheat on my calculus exam sophomore year.”

How old are you now?

“This many!” 

Who is an actor you’d love to see in a Marvel movie?

“Now that Iron Man is officially gone, I’d love to see Robert Downey Junior come back in full blackface as his character from Tropic Thunder.”

Do you have any exciting upcoming projects you’d like to tell us about?

“I just heard about this crazy thing at McDonald’s called a McGangBang. Basically you order a McChicken and a McDouble and combine them together to form one large fast food sandwich. I’m going to get one of those and eat it alone at the train tracks.”

What is your dream role?

“Probably one of the people in a Tide commercial who cannot believe the stain-removing power of Tide. Wait, I’m sorry that’s a stupid answer. I’d do it for any name-brand detergent.”

What are you and Zendaya like at home?

“While the paparazzi often says we have upwards of 200 tickle fights per day, that’s really not true at all. We barely crack three digits most days.”

What is the square root of 13,225?


What are your career plans after playing Spider-Man?

“I think I’m going to headline some big blockbuster swings that don’t connect until society realizes I’m just a flash in the pan and then I ride the bench of Hollywood for about twenty years until I need to make a cameo in a Spider-Man reboot.”

What is your dream Spider-Man suit?

“Something I keep pitching Marvel, and I think recently I may have gotten through to them, is a Spider-Man costume where the mask is Rami Malek’s face and the suit is Rami Malek’s body.”

Are you an avid comic reader?

“Yes, of course I am. To make sure I’m doing justice to the Spider-Man plotlines, I make sure to revisit every Doonesbury strip every now and again.”

If you could work with anyone dead or alive, who would you choose?

“I’ve always wanted to work with a dead person. Really anyone, so long as they’re dead.”

What do you think is the greatest drawback about being famous?

“Because I’m wealthy, people always assume that I have gum to share. I always do, but I don’t like them assuming it.”

Was it weird seeing your girlfriend Zendaya kissing Josh O’Connor and Mike Fast in her upcoming movie Challengers?

“No, we’re very mature about that kind of stuff. I totally understand that it’s all just acting. And I have things like that too. I’ve made out with both those guys a ton of times.”

Are there going to be any other Uncharted movies?

“Oh god, I really hope not.”

Do you have any big Marvel spoilers you’re willing to leak for us?

“I can’t say anything too major, but I do know that Paul Rudd will die on January 18th, 2054 in a freak boating accident.”

What’s the most difficult part of being an actor in a Marvel movie?

“The stunts are tough, and the press is a lot, but the hardest part is Jeremy Renner constantly hounding you to join his goddamn app.”

What is the story behind your nickname ‘The Rock?’

“Funny story actually! That’s Dwayne Johnson, not me.”

Who do you think should play Kang the Conqueror, now that actor Jonathan Majors has been accused of domestic assault?

“The fine people at Disney have informed me that answering that question will result in grave danger for me and my loved ones.”

What’s your favorite kind of ice cream?