Press "Enter" to skip to content

Our Uncle Works at Nintendo: Every Rumor We’ve Heard About Their Next Console

Rumors are circulating about Nintendo’s long awaited follow up to their wildly successful 2017 Switch hardware. While very little is known for sure, here’s what has been reported so far:  

New buttons

Following the A and B buttons, then C-stick, the D-pad, and e-Reader technology, the new Nintendo console will feature something merely known at this point as the “F-ball.” Nintendo has cautioned that this peripheral will be their first ‘adults-only’ product. 

Backwards compatibility 

Nintendo is reportedly going to make the new system fully backwards compatible with the Switch, meaning players’ purchases and save files will carry over to the new system. Unless they don’t! 

Will feature access to games from retro systems like the NES and the Wii 

That’s right, the Wii is 16 years old. Isn’t that so funny?

Will encourage gamers to stay active 

In fact, Nintendo has confirmed that the system will be fully solar powered, meaning the system’s handheld functionality will be limited to players standing outside during nice weather. 

Will be the most highly anticipated game system of 2013. 

The specs are rumored to rival that of the PS4, and some even believe the system will have blu ray capabilities. 

Fans will be accepting, no matter what Nintendo does 

“Hard to imagine them not just absolutely nailing this,” said Dave Osborne, who just got into video games last week. 

Games will be delicious 

After developing technology that made Switch cartridges unappetizing to the taste buds of dogs and other animals, Nintendo wants to “go the other direction,” for this system, and apparently, “see how that goes.” 

Requires constant connection 

In addition to needing an internet connection at all times, the new Nintendo hardware will reportedly also require some part of it be touching you at all times, otherwise causing a system reformatting. 

Doug Bowser has walked back recent controversial comments 

Bowser: “My excitement over this upcoming console sadly caused a fervor in me that caused me to state that the new Nintendo system will have ‘more balls than the Chicago Bears locker room’. While I do not regret my enthusiasm, I regret my poor choice of words. I let my excitement for both our new system and the 2023 NFL season get the better of me, I’m afraid. I will do better. Go Bears.” 

Will be permanently sticky 

Nintendo apologizes for this, and hopes to figure out a solution in future models of the console. 

All major Nintendo franchises expected to release installments on the new system

Except for Metroid Prime 4, of course. 


Ditching HDMI, bringing back the RF adapter 

“To appeal to the retro gamers out there,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser.


New Smash Bros. Game 

In an attempt to somehow outdo the high bar set last time, the new Smash Bros game is heavily rumored to feature every prominent video game character ever created. Except for Geno and Waluigi. 

New name

The next Nintendo console will be a massive departure from the Switch, and such, will have a bold new name. According to insiders, the new console will be called the “Switch U.”

Higher capabilities

Nintendo has promised that the next console will be far more powerful than the Switch, capable of joy-con drift levels the likes of which gamers have never seen.

Free tickets

Shigeru Miyamoto has promised to slip 5 golden tickets into boxes for the next Nintendo console, which will grant them a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the company’s infamous factories.

Rumored to release the second half of 2024 

If so, please be cool with us reposting this once or twice, okay? Thank you! 

Upgraded sound technology 

In addition to the expected jump to 4K graphics, early leaks have revealed Mario’s common enemies like koopas and cheep cheeps expressing more accurate dying noises than ever before thanks to advances in sound technology. “It’s just too much,” said one anonymous person that had seen the footage. “I don’t want to hear all that.” 

You have to know a guy 

If you want to get your hands on one of these in the first year, that’s the deal. Sorry. Wasn’t this easier in 2006 when we all knew someone that worked at a GameStop?

Mom says you can’t keep it in your room 

Don’t get mad at us. We’re just the ones telling you.