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“No Girls Allowed” — Everything We Know About the New Call of Duty

As autumn approaches, gamers are beginning to anticipate this year’s Call of Duty installment. While details are scarce, here’s everything we know about it so far. 

You have to buy it 

Due to a rather confusing ruling in the lawsuit between the Federal Trade Commission and Microsoft concerning their proposed acquisition of Activision, a judge has recently ordered that every gamer HAS to buy the new Call of Duty game for full price. The system doesn’t work, folks. 

There will be DLC 

Activision has confirmed a massive DLC dropping one year after release. It will cost $60 and is called ‘Modern Warfare 4’

It will feature ‘WWF Warzone’ mode 

An exciting new feature will see this classic 1998 pro wrestling game available as a special feature for players subscribed to the Battle Pass. And that’s the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so! 

Expanded level types 

In addition to the action-packed campaign players have come to expect, the new Call of Duty will also feature some pedestrian missions, like heavily arming yourself before you enter a Dairy Queen and asking children at the grocery store if those are their parents that they’re with. 

The guns go PEW PEW PEW


The maps will be extremely realistic

Sorry if you live in Ukraine or whatever, but this shit looks just like how your city looks now!!! That’s crazy 

Introducing new ‘Fantasy Draft Mode’ 

Taking a page from NBA2K23’s MyNBA Eras mode, players will serve as the Secretary of Defense in either the Vietnam or World War II era and see if they can successfully draft an Army that will survive history’s greatest battles. 

No girls allowed to play 

Sorry, ladies! 

Vastly improved audio quality 

Taking advantage of state of the art sound technology, Activision has added dying soldier’s crying for their mothers in full 7.1 surround sound. It’s a real god damn bummer. 

Expect lots of product placement 

A bizarre advertising deal will result in health pickups being replaced with ice cold cans of Diet Pepsi. 

You can take your anger out on the game

If you have a lot of anger in your real life and fantasize about violence, Activision wants you to know that the new Call of Duty is the perfect vehicle for you to act out these feelings with photorealism.

It won’t be political

The next Call of Duty refuses to include any politics at all. You’re just a random American country shooting at random Middle Eastern enemies who want, more than nothing, to destroy your precious freedom.

It will take 4,587 hours to unlock all of the good guns

Or $500.

Players can be banned for language

Activision has made it clear they have a zero tolerance policy for any player not using racial slurs.

It will have skill-based matchmaking

And you’re still gonna get absolutely rocked by a child in it, sorry

It will never be as good as Halo 3

This is just objectively true and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

There are somewhere between 1 and 70,000 guns available

Just a ballpark figure, but this is a pretty safe bet.

Everyone in Korea is already good at it

Despite the game not releasing yet, the Call of Duty team has confirmed that every single citizen of South Korea has mastered the game better than you ever will

The message of the campaign is that war is bad despite the message of the gameplay being war is crazy fun and epic

Feels like a bit of a mixed message

You can shoot a rocket launcher in it

Let’s goo!!!!!!!!