We sat down with famous actor Timothy Shalomay (not looking that up) to ask about his career and upcoming films.
Do you still keep in touch with the cast of ‘Men Women and Children?’
“No, because I wasn’t in that movie. Nobody was. That movie doesn’t exist. It never happened. Next question.”
How did you land the role of Wonka?
“I was the last actor alive on a tour of Warner Bros.”
How did you prepare for the titular role in the Ronald Dahl musical?
“I did the same thing every Wonka has to do: master The Moonwalk.”
What is something your fans don’t know about you?
“Like a neutron star, I am very small but somehow crushingly heavy. I secretly weigh three hundred tons.”
What is your biggest challenge when acting?
“When I’m in a scene with someone, I’ll accidentally cut them with my cheekbones. Saoirse Ronan almost bled out when we had to kiss in Ladybird”
Did you have to learn how to sing for Wonka?
“Yes, but it wasn’t as bad as when I had to learn to speak for Interstellar”
Wait, you’re in Interstellar?
“Yes! I’m in that cornfield saying ‘No, don’t leave me Matthew McConaughey!’ Then I turn into Casey Affleck. I mean, it happens gradually over time. I don’t just turn into Casey Affleck right there in the cornfield. It takes me years to grow up. That attention to detail is why I love Chris Nolan”
Would you ever work with Nolan again?
“In movies, probably not. But I think we could both franchise the fuck out of a Fuddrucker’s together”
What’s your dream role?
“I’ve had this amazing idea for three years: a James Bond parody called ‘Austin Powers.’ I think I’d like to play him and his nemesis Dr. Evil. If the studio permits, I’d also like to play this character who, well, let’s just say he’s a bastard who is fat.”
Would you like a treat?
“Oh yes, oh yes! I’ve been such a very good boy after all!”
Do you have any tips for staying in shape?
“I look like this because I am oh so very sick”
Would you ever consider doing a superhero movie?
“It’s unlikely. I think that career path is unrewarding and cumbersome, and contributes to the problem with modern cinema. It’s a shameless factory of cookie-cutter movies that just serve to pander to the lowest common denominator. I would play Booster Gold though.”
What is a luxury you can’t live without?
“I’d have to say fingers and toes. I’m grabbin’ and runnin’ all the time with those little guys!”
What is your biggest fear?
“That the old swamp hag’s magic will wear off and I’ll turn back into a little porcelain doll on the red carpet for Dune Part Two”
Are you seeing anyone currently?
“Well, without giving too much away, I’ll say: no.”
If you could choose anyone, alive or dead, to share the screen with, who would it be?
“Okay, don’t judge me for being so basic, but I have my obvious answer. Grover from Sesame Street. And before you ask, no. I don’t want to be on Sesame Street. I want me and Grover to be in a movie about two badass pimps who shoot first and ask questions never.”
What was it like working closely with Zendaya?
“That depends. If you’re judging on how she was personally and professionally, it was fantastic. If you’re judging on how much trail mix she has on her on average, it was fine.”
Are you British or French?
“Somehow, I’m neither. I’m as surprised as you.”
What were your first words?
“I said ‘Goo-goo, ga-ga.’ Then i produced a hand-rolled cigarette and blew the smoke in my mother’s face”
What is your phone password?