The world of professional wrestling was once again set ablaze as the “Best In The World” CM Punk made his return to WWE at Survivor Series. After nearly a decade away from the promotion, he has made headlines with this historic return.
We at Hard Drive had internally predicted for Pepsi Phil to return and were proven right, because we just know these things. With the WWE roster having a growing list of talent, here are our picks for CM Punk’s future feuds for 2024.
Seth Rollins (Royal Rumble)
Seth Rollins is an obvious first contender for a fight with CM Punk. Rollins can be a professional hater, and it just so happens to be that he also hates our beloved Chicago Man. We predict that they will have a match for the World Heavyweight Championship at the Royal Rumble. Punk will lose due to interference from the Judgement Day and Damien Priest will cash in his Money In The Bank contract to become the new champion.
The Judgement Day (Elimination Chamber)
Look, we’d be pretty damn mad too if a bunch of wannabe goths (excluding Rhea Ripley) beat us up and took away our championship opportunity. However, CM Punk will want to prove once again that he is the “Best In The World” and do something we’ve never seen before. At Elimination Chamber, we will see the first gauntlet match done in the chamber.
CM Punk will take on Finn Balor, Dominik Mysterio, R-Truth, JD McDonagh, and Damien Priest all by himself. After giving a GTS to the real life Funko Pop McDonagh and exploding his head in the ring, the rest of the Judgement Day will give up on the spot.
The Coca Cola Polar Bears
As advertisers seek to grow their presence on the Road to Wrestlemania, Coca Cola will want to establish their global foothold further. Too bad, you’re in Pepsi Phil’s territory now. We predict CM Punk to bust through a wall Kool-Aid Man style during a Coca Cola commercial and absolutely annihilate those bears with steel chairs.
Roman Reigns & Brock Lesnar (Wrestlemania)
After ruthlessly beating the polar bears faster than the polar ice caps melting, CM Punk is getting closer to Wrestlemania. Well, it turns out that assaulting a beast protected by the Endangered Species Act angered another beast, Brock Lesnar.
CM Punk has no time for cowboys, since we already saw how that went in AEW. He wants something more, he wants his Wrestlemania main event moment. After calling out Roman Reigns and simply just demanding a title shot, he is given the attention of the Tribal Chief. Being blown off like this does not make Lesnar happy and he seeks retribution.
As the weeks progress, we see Paul Heyman struggle to maintain his loyalty between the Tribal Chief and his former Heyman Guys. It is decided that the Wrestlemania match will no longer be about the title, but is now a triple threat ladder match for the custody of Paul Heyman.
Wrestlemania comes and CM Punk will finish his story. As the exhaustion nearly overwhelms him from a grueling match, Paul Heyman cheers him on to grab the briefcase above holding the custody contract. Well, turns out Heyman switched the custody papers out with the Universal Championship title.
CM Punk has done what Cody Rhodes did not, and this will come back to haunt him later.
A Bunch Of Glass Panels
On a random episode of Smackdown, CM Punk reveals that his first opponent for the Undisputed Universal Championship is his worst enemy, glass panels. CM Punk wins via disqualification as the glass is real and not gimmicked in any way. Cry us a river, you’ll sit down for this match and enjoy it anyway.
Cody Rhodes (Backlash)
CM Punk finished Cody’s story before Cody even got a second chance to make it happen. After reminding us all again that his father was Dusty Rhodes, we get another passionate promo about wanting to bring home the only title his family never attained. Rumor has it Cody Rhodes returned to WWE as he heard Christian Cage was looking to make fun of some dead dads and is just using this title story as a front.
CM Punk learned about this during his time in AEW, and grants Cody Rhodes a title match. In a battle of psychological warfare, the match stipulation is a Buried Alive match. We predict that Cody Rhodes loses and Christian Cage considers returning to WWE just to credit Punk for doing something he wishes he thought of sooner.
His Own Moral Compass On The Road To Saudi-Mania (Night of Champions)
The Voice of the Voiceless has the chance to do the funniest thing ever and do the pipebomb promo directed at the Saudi royalty. However, as they would be paying for him to be out there, this would be hypocritical and have less impact. Phil must decide upon a contractually obligated appearance as champion or actually standing by his morality. We can predict him wrestling his inner thoughts, but we cannot predict him wrestling in Saudi anytime soon.
My Therapist (Money In The Bank)
After not showing up to Night of Champions, we predict CM Punk will defend his championship against a real champion, a real inspiration, a real hero. That person will be my therapist. Unfortunately, my therapist cannot actually wrestle and only instead will assist CM Punk with wrestling his moral compass. Damn, I would’ve loved seeing that belt in his office.
LA Knight (SummerSlam)
WWE definitely lost a lot of money on CM Punk not showing up to Saudi Arabia in this universe we’ve predicted. That’s the kind of long term booking we have here.
To make up for this loss, LA Knight and CM Punk will main event SummerSlam and will be for the Undisputed Universal Championship. The buildup is insane. The promos are imbued with life, passion, attitude, and break records for WWE’s YouTube channel. The amount of merchandise sold totals the GDP of several small countries.
This feud will be the peak of CM Punk’s return. Unfortunately, it will also be the one where he loses his title. As the crowd chants “L…A…Knight…yeah,” we will be chanting “C…M…Punk…no.”
Arthur Morgan (Payback)
After losing his title, Punk finally decides he will fight another cowboy as redemption for his past. Unlucky for Punk, Arthur Morgan also has some elite friends. We suspect that John Marston may say a few mean things, Dutch will have some sort of plan, and we will end up with an unsanctioned Backstage Brawl match taking place during Payback. Can’t blame this one on working with children, but hardened criminals instead.
