It’s pretty safe to say that Fortnite is a massively popular worldwide phenomenon at this point. Known for its collaborations with major brands and its inclusion of celebrities, athletes, and characters from other IP, it has always had one glaring flaw. One massive, gaping hole that anyone with eyes could see needed to be filled.
Fortnite needs Tony Soprano.
Despite general acclaim as the greatest and most important television show of all time, the HBO series The Sopranos has, to this point, earned no representation in the Epic Games moneymaker. That this missing link has persisted is through no lack of trying on our part, however. Here is every time we’ve pitched Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney on adding the show’s leading man Tony Soprano to Fortnite.
#1 — At his favorite North Carolina barbecue joint
We happened to be near Epic Games headquarters for totally, completely, absolutely unrelated reasons and were grabbing a quick bite at Smokin’ Joe’s BBQ when Tim popped in to order his go-to power lunch: a hot dog sliced into cubes. A cube dog.
“Mr. Sweeney, sir, pardon the interruption,” we charmingly said. “Have you ever thought about adding Tony Soprano, from the HBO Original Series The Sopranos, to your most excellent video game Fortnite? We think it would be a real hoot.”
“Ha ha, yeah,” he chuckled sheepishly. “We’ll look into that.”
#2 — In our dreams (it counts)
One night, after enjoying a little too much baked ziti, we dozed off peacefully but unexpectedly found ourselves face-to-face with Furio, the show’s menacing Italian-from-Italy enforcer.
“Fortnite, they no have Italians. Stupid-a fucking game,” he growled.
We turned to Tim Sweeney, housecat-sized and perched on our lap, and nodded in solemn agreement.
“You know what intellectual property has plenty of Italians, Tim? The HBO Original Series The Sopranos,” we said to him soothingly while tenderly stroking his fine mane. “Who’s the prettiest boy? Who’s our prettiest boy? You are. Yoouuuuu arrrre. You’re gonna put Tony Soprano in Fortnite, arntcha? Arntcha? Yeah, because you’re our prettiest boy.”
Tim purred in response, which we wrongly interpreted as a positive sign.
#3 — On an airplane
We happened to be on the same Delta flight out of Raleigh as Tim and, would you believe it, we were seated right next to him! The Gabagool Gods were smiling upon us that day! Or so we thought.
“Mr. Sweeney! Hi, hello. Have you given any more thought to adding Tony Soprano to Fortnite? We think he’s a perfect fit. Remember how he shot Matthew Bevilacqua a bunch of times? So cracked! Or when he beat Ralphie to death for killing the horse? Bro, come on, how perfect would he be in Fortnite.”
We noted dozens of other examples of Tony Soprano’s general fighting prowess and suitability for the game during that 50-minute flight, but Tim pretended he couldn’t hear us with his headphones on, even though they weren’t plugged into anything.
#4 — In a friendly and not-at-all threatening old-timey telegram
“Messrs. Sweeney, et al., c/o Epic Games -(STOP)-
Your urgent attention is demanded. -(STOP)-
Production of moving-picture FORTNITE is advised to halt for a period such that one Soprano, Tony, be added to cast. -(STOP)-
Fiduciaries considered in breach until such time as matter is rectified. -(STOP)-
Attorneys retained and prepared to pursue all avenues. -(STOP)-
Think well of party mentioned, this is a matter of great importance. -(STOP)- “
#5 — With the help of Werner Herzog
Looking for any advantage we could find, we enlisted the help of legendary director and avowed video game enthusiast Werner Herzog to record a video message making our case.
“Tim Sweeney. I have a sense that you are an empty man. Your games do not tell stories because you only possess the power to destroy, not create. Your very existence is a foul affront to God, and you know this. Salvation is impossible.
“While you await the eternal void, I would like to play as Tony Soprano in your Fortnite game.”
#6 — At Unreal Fest
Drastic times called for drastic measures. We bamboozled Tim at Unreal Fest, the crowning event in the Epic Games annual calendar, this time armed with detailed focus group data and market research showing that licensing Tony Soprano for use in Fortnite would be a win for all parties involved. Surely no reasonable man could turn us away, not after the tens of thousands of dollars we spent collecting this data!
“Sir, please, just one more moment of your time, this data clearly shows—”
“Are you from Apple?! You’re legally required to tell me if you’re from Apple,” he shrieked before sprinting (more of an awkward gallop, really) away.
Long story short, no dice. But we remain undeterred. One day, we will wake up with a blue moon in our eyes, and Tony Soprano will be available for a very reasonable amount of V-Bucks. Tim, if you’re reading, we know the licensing rights won’t be cheap, but lay off a few hundred more folks if you have to—this is more important.
