That time of year is upon us again. In between Halloween and Christmas is another yearly tradition with horrifying origins, and I don’t mean Thanksgiving. No, I’m talking about the yearly release of Call of Duty. This year they went straight back to the drawing board and came up with Modern Warfare 3, a direct sequel to last year’s Modern Warfare 2, the first time they’ve done that since, I don’t know, a while. Who cares? Anyway, here’s everything we know about Modern Warfare 3 so far!
Inspired by a real, as-yet-unannounced actual war
Politicians and Activision have both claimed we should be getting the first trailer for our new war sometime this holiday season. Talk about “Modern” Warfare!
Actual Army recruiters plan on using the game as a tool
It reminds me of the time a guy I was playing in Rocket League asked if I wanted to come over and crash cars in real life. No, dude. I just want to play this game.
It will feature modern celebrities
Streamers and artists you’ve never even heard of. You can complain about the kids today, but it’s you. You’ve changed.
If you’ve purchased an NFT gun somewhere, it can be used in the new Call of Duty
Hahahaha no, not really. I hope you didn’t buy an NFT gun.
Will institute first ever Video Game Draft shortly after release if player counts aren’t satisfactory
If you’re 18-24, I hope you like Warzone!
Will probably have Zombies mode
I mean, right?
People that purchased the Premium Special Edition can log on early
Players that purchased the upgraded edition will be able to access the game 15 minutes ahead of everybody else. Enjoy!
There’s guns in there
A bunch of guns
Campaign will give players more choice than ever before
MW3 even includes the option to walk up to a PS4 and play a series of other games in there. Whoa!
The screams of your enemies burning alive have never sounded more vivid. Let’s hope those are enemies at least! Haha
Craig’s gonna get it
Craig always gets those games man, he’s so lucky.
‘The War on Canada’ plotline has already generated some of the most controversy the series has ever seen.
Will only be available at certain times of day for Sony players
As part of a recent legal settlement, PlayStation players will be able to log on after midnight on alternating days. Xbox players, meanwhile, can do whatever they want.
Weekly in-game challenges
Holy fucking shit, call the President.
Brand new minigames
After the gulag proved to be such a hit, MW3 players will now be able to waterboard their victims for extra experience points!
Remove dead opponent’s actual skin and wear it around if you want
This is too much, guys.
Try and tell me you saw this one coming. There’s just no way.