It’s a little known fact that every U.S. Senator is issued a Nintendo Switch and a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons. The NSA does a really good job of making sure that all photographic and video evidence of their towns is obliterated from the internet, but if you look hard enough, you can find written accounts from players who have visited a senator’s island. I have undertaken the painstaking effort of tracking down these descriptions, synthesizing them, and compiling them in one place, ranked in order of how interested I am in seeing each senator’s island.
Note for those of you who failed civics class: AOC is in the House of Representatives, not the Senate. Not only is she not featured in this ranking, these senators are actually legally prohibited from adding her to their Friends Lists.
100 — Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif.
Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to visit this island even if I wanted to, as the save has been corrupted. It’s time to start a new file.
99 — Cindy Hyde-Smith, R-Miss.
It’s just a mess. Garbage everywhere, overgrown with weeds. I’m concerned that the airport isn’t in good enough condition for me to safely land. And that is to say nothing of the fact that her island is still flying the Confederate flag.
98 — Roger Wicker, R-Miss.
I don’t want to stereotype, but there’s a reason that Mississippi is at the bottom of all of these lists. The island is impossible to navigate. He just refused to build bridges. I guess he says the federal government should pay for them? That doesn’t even make sense.
97 — Kyrsten Sinema, I-Ariz.
She has done nothing to upgrade her island since she unlocked the Able Sisters. All she has done since the store opened is visit it to check for new eyewear. This has been her exact routine every day for the past three years.
96 — John Boozman, R-Ark.
Apparently he repeatedly gifts his villagers eye gauze until they wear it. I guess he was an optometrist or something before he was a senator? I don’t know. It just makes me uncomfortable.
95 — Ben Cardin, D-Md.
There’s not much information available about what Senator Cardin’s island looks like. Apparently he waits by the airport and immediately asks all guests what crimes they think should receive the death penalty. He directs them to be as specific as possible and will boot players who don’t engage in the discussion. Few have stayed long enough to actually see the rest of his island.
94 — John Hoeven, R-N.D.
He quit after the first month, when Nintendo lowered the interest rates for savings accounts at the Bank of Nook. Hoeven released a statement saying that while he agreed with the decision to lower the rates, it simply no longer made economic sense for him to play the game.
93 — Eric Schmitt, R-Mo.
Schmitt’s island is, frankly, embarrassing. It’s full of half-finished displays, as though he just launches into projects that excite him without any forethought. And — not for nothing — he hasn’t finished paying off his home loan. He hasn’t even made any payments since the final upgrade.
92 — Susan Collins, R-Maine
The entire island is just tree stumps and holes because she added Trump to her close friends list and he keeps coming over and trashing the place. Every time, she releases a statement that she’s sure he’s learned his lesson.
91 — Daniel S. Sullivan, R-Alaska
On the day the game launched, Senator Sullivan crafted a shovel, located each rock on the island, and destroyed them. Every single morning, he boots the game and breaks the rock that respawned. Then he saves and quits. He has done nothing else.
90 — Mike Braun, R-Ind.
Senator Braun returned the game to Walmart in a huff after he saw two different types of animal having a conversation.
89 — John Neely Kennedy, R-La.
Never bothered developing his island. He still lives in a tent. Honest to God, the only furniture inside is a pet food bowl.
88 — Rick Scott, R-Fla.
Honestly, I don’t even care about his island or if it’s well-designed. I really don’t want to see what his Villager looks like. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.
87 — Ted Budd, R-N.C.
Abandoned his island and added Animal Crossing to the list of media his kids aren’t allowed to experience after digging up a fossil for the first time.
86 — John Fetterman, D-Pa.
Sure, he hasn’t had as much time with the game as most of his peers, but Senator Fetterman’s island is still unimpressive, even given that context. Reportedly, he prefers to play his old copy of New Leaf, as he likes being referred to as “Mayor.”
85 — Alex Padilla, D-Calif.
Senator Padilla followed all of the directions in the official Animal Crossing strategy guide. He’s at a complete loss as to why his island looks like garbage.
84 — Ronald Harold Johnson, R-Wis.
Senator Johnson’s staff maintains an island in his name, but they haven’t developed it at all. Ron Johnson himself has been barred from using any Nintendo network service following a 2006 incident at a McDonald’s involving PictoChat.
83 — Tom Carper, D-Del.
He just begs visitors to look at his Happy Home Paradise creations, claiming that they somehow prove that charter schools work. But, like, they’re not even real schools. I’m not sure he understands how education works.
82 — Mitch McConnell, R-Ky.
He quit playing pretty early, so his island is very underdeveloped. Apparently he lost interest after learning that Tortimer wasn’t in the base game, and felt he was just too far behind once the Harv’s Island update dropped.
81 — Chris Coons, D-Del.
His island seems pretty cool, until you check out his house and see the Reagan campaign poster in the basement.
