Look, I’m no fan of the United States military. They’ve got a huge budget, a budget full of money to spend on useless shit. So that useless shit might as well pay my rent! Assuming I could get my hands on them, this is every Mario Kart item ranked by how much money I could get by selling it to the U.S. Military.
#32 — Banana Peel
Look, I’m a decent salesman, but I’m no wizard. I would instantly get laughed out of the room for trying some shit like this.
#31 — Feather
What’s this thing going to do, give a soldier a cape and let them descend a little slower? No shot this sells.
#30 — Crazy 8
8’s an unlucky number. I can try telling them it’s an 8-for-1 deal, but the bad vibes are scaring them out of the deal. The “crazy” in the name makes them pretty wary, too.
#29 — Boomerang Flower
A flower giving someone the power to throw a useless weapon? The only actual value this gives is the dorky hat that this item gives Mario in the games.
#28 — Heart
Good news: the heart can give a shield. Bad news: it only works on other Mario Kart items. Pretty useless considering I’m going to strike a multi-million dollar deal to give the U.S. a monopoly on these items.
#27 — Blue Shell
The acquisitions guy isn’t interested in buying the blue shell whatsoever. The acquisitions guy keeps saying it would only hit ourselves because “America is #1,” apparently despite the class inequality, broken two-party system, rapidly rising inflation, daunting student debt crisis, etc.
#26 — Super Horn
The military already has plenty of tools that make loud noises. However, if I show the military videos of this thing working on blue shells and convince them it can do the same thing to artillery, I just might stand a chance at getting a pretty penny for this thing.
#25 — Fireball
One fireball, even if I can contain it, won’t get me much. Seems a little bit of a hard sell, but it’s pretty deadly, so I think I can still get some money for this.
#24 — Blooper
Essentially, Blooper is a better smokescreen. It’s more targeted and directly in their eyes, though, so I think I can get a decent chunk of change if I capture a few of these guys.
#23 — Birdo Egg
If the Army has no idea what a Birdo is, I can convince them it’s a very destructive creature that can be weaponized. If one gamer intern let’s it slip what Birdo truly is, though, I’m fucked. No one wants a Birdo.
#22 — Coin
It might seem weird to try and sell the government money, but once I show them it slightly increases their top speed, I think they’ll be convinced they’re magical. Some money to be made here, especially if I go full tourist trap-style for my sales pitch.
#21 — Green Shell
You might think this ranks lower than red because it’s a worse weapon, but it’s honestly just a branding thing. Anything red, white, or blue is instantly a better sell. Sorry, green shell.
#20 — Bob-omb
Bob-omb is tough. On one hand, this is just a living, unpredictable grenade. On the other, though, the army could wind these bad boys up and get them marching into enemy territory. This could go either way, but I think these are some strong additions to the United States arsenal.
#19 — Piranha Plant
I have no doubt in my mind that a Piranha Plant would be an incredible boon to any military operation. I’m convinced I could get millions, but the acquisitions guy just keeps saying that he thinks the plant is going to “go all Little Shop of Horrors on his ass.”
#18 — Fake Item Box
Gonna convince them this is just a regular mystery box as a prank. I won’t get any pay, but what a bunch of suckers for getting tased by this thing lmao. So worth it.
#17 — Mushroom
Going to be honest, this is another prank item. I’m planning to keep the actual Mushroom Kingdom mushroom for myself to try and get my mile time down. Meanwhile, some poor private in the Army is about to have the worst trip of his life.
#16 — Red Shell
Easy money with the red shell. All I have to do is undercut Lockheed Martin homing missiles. If I can find a big supply, I’ll have them out of business within a month.
#15 — Fire Flower
This is just a more controllable version of the Fireball. Would be able to get a lot for this, but only once, since they can just plant the seeds to make more for themselves. Circle of life or whatever, but I just wish I could get more money out of this thing.
#14 — Bowser Shell
This big ol’ spiky guy is the best bang for my buck. A bit harder to load due to its size, sure, but saying “look at those cool spikes!” ought to raise the price a few hundred thousand dollars over the other shells.
#13 — Chain Chomp
I know I could make a lot of money selling a Chain Chomp, but I’m not sure I should. This poor boy is fine if kept on a leash, but I just know they won’t be responsible with this guy. Maybe it’s better off if I keep him in my backyard for myself.
#12 — Golden Mushroom
There’s no faking this one, but I could easily convince the acquisitions guy this is made of real gold. Thanks for the cash, and good luck finding a combat utilization for a speed boosting mushroom.
#11 — Boo
A ghost that can steal top-of-the-line equipment from the opposition? I’ll be able to get huge value out of this guy for sure. The government has been trying to convince us for decades that North Korea is trying to build a Boo. With that in mind, the U.S. military is definitely going to want to purchase one of their own.