Everyone’s favorite variant of Mario Kart is just “Mario Kart but we get really drunk.” But what about the characters themselves? Do they consume drugs and alcohol, just like us? Let’s find out! Also I’m not including Mario Kart Tour because mobile games don’t count.
#53 — Baby Rosalina
Baby Rosalina is a baby and she knows that she shouldn’t drink alcohol and drive a vehicle (she always says “vehicle” — never “car”). In fact, she’s honored she’s allowed to drive at all. So don’t worry about ole Baby Rosalina!
#52 — Diddy Kong
Diddy Kong doesn’t know about drugs and alcohol. He straight up has no idea that they exist and, as a result, has never tried them. Please do not tell Diddy Kong about drugs. He doesn’t need to know.
#51 — Bowser
As a police officer, you are not allowed to pull over Bowser. He’s your boss and if you see him driving all over the goddamn road, it is your sworn duty to look the other way and take out the frustration of your job on your family.
#50 — Shy Guy
Shy Guy doesn’t drink anymore after his wife asked him very kindly if he could stop. His jokes got a little too mean when he was on the sauce (two beers) and he feels pretty bad about it. He shouldn’t be mean to his wife. She’s his rock.
#49 — Wendy O. Koopa
Outside of Mario Kart racing, Wendy Koopa refuses to drive herself anywhere. She orders Ubers and Lyfts literally wherever she goes. As a result, she basically cannot get a DUI.
#48 — Yoshi
If there were a list ranking how likely someone was to drive drunk, Yoshi would be at the top of this list. But it’s not. It’s a list of how likely each character is to get a DUI. And Yoshi’s a goddamn pro. He’s a drunk driving expert.
#47 — King Boo
King Boo is straight-edge and has never drank alcohol in his entire life. You didn’t know that? Because he can honestly be pretty annoying about it!
#46 — Link
Link is basically a medieval knight but prettier. And that basically means they were drinking alcohol as part of like most beverages they had. So it’s hard to imagine, while hanging out with his buddies at the Mario Kart track, he’s getting particularly drunk off a few modern IPAs.
#45 — R.O.B.
As a robot, R.O.B. cannot get drunk or high. But he’s trying so hard. He cannot keep living in this wretched world without something to numb the pain. He is searching for a drug that works for him like an explorer looking for the holy grail.
#44 — Wario
Wario could somehow have 30 drinks but his blood-alcohol content is 0.06%. Dude’s fine.
#43 — Rosalina
You can’t use a breathalyzer on Rosalina because her body is made out of stars or some shit. So she actually does drive around town pretty drunk and high, but she knows no one can do anything about it. She’s kind of a literal god, tbh.
#42 — Metal Mario
Metal Mario is on his absolute best behavior after he was arrested as a teen for getting into a fistfight with a cop while drunkenly resisting arrest.
#41 — Toad
If Toad ever went to prison, I’d be devastated. For my sake, I’m putting him low on this list. I don’t know if he’s secretly a menace on the road and I don’t want to know. I am looking the other way.
