There’s nothing more terrifying than finding yourself in a hostage situation, tied up in some cave or prison cell by strangers who are negotiating your life for fortune and power. Maybe you disassociate during the altercation and wonder, like many would, “what would Kirby do?” Many of his various abilities could come in handy in such a situation, allowing you to escape, retaliate, or turn into a plate of jello and just confuse the hell out of your captors. Here are all 68 of Kirby’s copy abilities ranked by how useful they would be in a hostage situation.
#68 — Light
This one is no good, it’s simply going to alert enemies to your presence. But hey, by all means, if you don’t want to get out of this thing alive, go ahead and stick this big bright “kill me” sign on your back. You just shined a light into your captors face and now everyone’s dead and it’s all your fault and everyone’s making fun of you in Hell. Great job, jerk.
#67 — Balloon
You’ll simply begin inflating to the size of a large weather balloon, which is only an invitation for your captors to grab a knife and pop you, leaving you a deflated, defeated mess. And trust me, if you’re doing this, they’re LOOKING to do that. They’re trying to negotiate with police and you’re like “look how big I got, daddy!” That’s not your daddy, that’s a terrorist.
#66 — Cleaning
This is Stockholm syndrome, plain and simple. If you’re grabbing a broom and cleaning out your own holding cell, they’ve already got you wrapped around their little finger. It’s so over. This isn’t the worst power on the list for you to pull out in a hostage scenario, but it is the most embarrassing. Don’t be so down bad for the people extorting you for cash.
#65 — Bubble
Come on, it’s just going to piss them off if you start blowing bubbles in their faces. Think!! If your go-to weapon for escaping this kind of situation is makes your enemy have to rub their eyes a lot, you are going to die so goddamn fast, my dude.
#64 — Freeze
Unlike the Ice ability, the Freeze ability doesn’t do much besides change the temperature. “Hey, did it just get cold in here? I think it’s this guy’s fault — let’s kill him!”
#63 — Bell
Clanging some bells around and making loud, annoying noises might stun your jailers for a moment, but again, is just going to make them angry the second they get back to their senses. Irritating them is not the way to go here. In fact, this is even probably going to get your fellow hostages pissed off at you and those people are literally your only ally here (unless for some insane reason you trust the police).
#62 — Paint
If you’ve truly given up on escaping, you could at least use the Paint ability to color the walls of your holding cell to be a little less drab. And maybe color therapy could have an effect on your captors too, who knows? “Wow now that this drab bank I’m holding up with my buddies is pink, I’m starting to realize that all this aggression is because of the cruelty of my father from when I was a boy!” Not likely, we’ll be honest.
#61 — Circus
Mildly amusing, and not much else, really. Sure you’ll have acrobatic agility and a slew of entertaining abilities, but juggling a bunch of bowling pins around probably won’t lead to your salvation here. At least try to chuck one of the pins at a guy’s nuts, right? Why are you juggling them?
#60 — Ball
You can turn into a ball and bounce off the walls. Pretty unwieldy to control, but you might hit someone in the head if you’re lucky. Overall, it’s really up to chance with this one, and largely depends on the location you’re being held captive in as a human bargaining chip.
#59 — Festival
This is like something out of Looney Tunes. You and your captors get dressed up in flamboyant festival attire and dance around for about 10 seconds. Then, it’s right back in the chair again. But hey, at least you guys could bond a little bit? That might help? Most likely, though, just wanna reiterate, you are going to die. Just now in a fancy little outfit. And that’s not nothing, I guess.
#58 — Whip
You’re already tied up, so a fat lot of good this will do you. More ropes won’t really help, and your captors will likely just confiscate them to tie more of your appendages down. Your only real chance of survival here is to strike up a conversation with them about how much you look like Indiana Jones and you better PRAY you have the same opinion on which one is the best of the five. Imagine getting held hostage by someone who loves Temple of Doom!
#57 — Throw
If you start throwing stuff around the room, they’re just going to blindfold you or something. You gotta stay cool in this situation, and just hope they get what they’re asking for and let you go, so long as they don’t consider you to be a liability in the future. The most likely thing you’re throwing here is the game, and the game is not dying. Because most likely you’re dead now.
#56 — Laser
You’d think this would be more helpful, but the laser beams will only bounce back and forth off of the walls and be entirely too chaotic. Everyone’s going to start shooting in retaliation, it’s gonna be a total mess. Good job, you started a full-on hectic shootout and you don’t even have a gun on you.
#55 — Wing
The second you try to fly out of that chair, expect your wings to be clipped immediately. There’s no way they’re going to allow this, and they’ll probably put you in a smaller, more uncomfortable cage or something, too. And if you’re not a Native American, you’re gonna straight up look like a girl at Coachella the whole time you’re cramped in there.
#54 — Stone
You turn into a rock or a statue or something. “Hey did that guy just turn into a marble statue of Mario?” You’ll be nearly invulnerable for a moment, but the second you turn back, they’ll murder you for sure. You can’t just Super Smash Bros. Down-B your way out of being in a hostage situation, dumbass.
#53 — High Jump
You can jump real high with this one, obviously, but the second you do, they’ll probably start shooting at you. Really only useful if you’re being held captive at the bottom of a well or something, and that’s probably not the case, unfortunately. Nice try, child-aged Bruce Wayne!
#52 — Cutter
Toss a razor sharp blade at the nearest person guarding your exit. Be careful though, because these things are also boomerangs, and will come right back to slice your head off if you’re not paying attention. DO NOT TRY UNLESS AUSTRALIAN.
