It’s really too bad that if Twitter had to be bought by a humorless billionaire that dresses up in silly costumes it couldn’t have been The Dark Knight. With that in mind, here is a ranking of every movie version of Batman, ranked by how well I think they would run Twitter if they had it in Gotham City.
9. Christian Bale
The Christopher Nolan version of Batman would almost certainly post long-winded rants and cringey memes about the nature of man, and then implement a bunch of changes that compromised your privacy, all in the name of “the common good,” or something. Not cool, Batman.
8. Michael Keaton
Remember that shot in Batman Returns where Bruce is just sitting around in his study until the bat signal blasts through the window and he pops up? Pretty sad, really. This Batman would definitely be way too into being in charge of Twitter and I can pretty much guarantee you he doesn’t give a shit about a huge light on the roof upsetting the neighbors.
7. Will Arnett
This self-aware, ironic Batman would be the death of the (already dying) website, almost certainly triggering an onset of brand humor and even more prevalent advertisements, most of which rely too much on jokes people were making like a decade ago. That’s some funny shit, Wendy’s. Now how about paying everyone a little better?
6. George Clooney
This 1997 version of Batman would take an absolute beating from the public, hide out in shame for a while, and then resurface with a cool, self-deprecating and charitable attitude that made everyone forget how poorly he did. He’d show up on all the Gotham talk shows in full costume with a drink in hand making wisecracks about what a terrible CEO of Twitter he was that one time. It’s endearing, but it doesn’t change the fact that you messed the website all up, Batman.
5. Val Kilmer
This Batman would most likely just be the CEO of Twitter for a few months and then we’d forget it ever happened. He’d post some memes about what a jerk The Riddler is and generally fail to make much of an impression. Not a bad CEO, not a great CEO. Just kind of there.
4. Robert Pattinson
This guy is like always Batman, never Bruce. Twitter would probably just become one of many things he forgot he was responsible for as he went out and looked for villains every night. I assume he’d just hire some good engineers and never think about it again. The last thing this Batman would ever do is post a meme hoping people thought he was being funny. This would obviously be a huge win for the platform.
3. Kevin Conroy
The animated Batman was mixed up with some different shit every week, so I think he could handle being thrust into leading a giant social media corporation pretty well. No ridiculous ideas about rebranding it or changing it up. No, he’d probably just very sincerely post questions like “Anyone seen the Catwoman?” and we’d all feel too bad to make sarcastic replies to him.
2. Ben Affleck
This is probably the busiest Batman of all time, playing supporting roles in several movies and never getting one of his own. Between fighting Superman, saving humanity, and doing timeline stuff now I guess, this is certainly a case where Alfred is gonna end up doing most of the actual work. But hey, give me a guy who knows at least a little bit about what it’s like out there over some billionaire-from-birth, you know what I’m saying?
1. Adam West
If you can set aside the technological barrier that could potentially slow the 1960’s Batman down, this version of The Dark Knight would enact zero policy changes and would spend all of his time on the platform talking to girls and retweeting flattering pictures of himself and Robin. Sounds great. Just leave it alone!
