16. Pyramid Head, “The Executioner”
Hard to imagine Silent Hill‘s Pyramid Head getting down and like, exchanging gifts or anything. But do you know what? I think he would look great if you somehow got him to let you decorate him for Christmas. Lights and stuff. I don’t want to bust the son of a bitch’s balls too hard here, so I’m putting him towards the middle for that pleasant visual alone.
15. Adriana Imai, “The Skull Merchant”
This asshole rich kid got the taste for murder when she started using drones to kill people that were preventing her from buying companies and gutting them. She’d probably do that Bezos/Musk thing where they try to do some human shit like celebrate Christmas and then make it weird by not knowing the words to Jingle Bells or asking what they were supposed to do with a candy cane or something.
14. Nemesis T-Type, “The Nemesis”
Nemesis is a bioweapon that’s described as heaving “near-human” intelligence. Honestly, that’s like half of the people on this list, so no big deal. I think if you dropped Nemesis into a mall around Christmas, he’d just go apeshit and do the usual thing of trying to find and kill members of the S.T.A.R.S. team. Nemesis was made in a lab, though, so I really think if you had him over, got him drunk, and showed him a warmth he’s never experienced, he might really take to it. Who knows, maybe he’d be spreading Christmas cheer by the end of the night instead of that awful T-Virus.
13. Sadako Yamamura , “The Onryō”
AKA The Girl From the Ring video. She’s sadly sort of been mixed up in that whole in-between dimension, haunted VHS tape thing, so she doesn’t even know about Christmas. Isn’t that fucked up? As far as whether she’d “celebrate,” it, I don’t know. It’s tough to say. She’d definitely show up and get everything wet. So you wouldn’t exactly be thrilled, but she made an effort and showed up, and I think that counts for something.
12. Charlotte & Victor Deshayes, “The Twins”
The Twins are assholes, and expect you to get them two presents even though they only get everybody one present. What do you even buy for a conjoined twin that functions as sort of an appendage of his twin sister anyway? Gift cards, maybe. They’re also from the 17th century, so while they very well celebrate Christmas, they might do it in some old weird way that you don’t recognize. These two are gonna come over and roast chestnuts and shit, and you’ll say, “Hm, I thought that was just a line in that song.”
11. Philip Ojomo, “The Wraith”
Phil’s just a guy that caught some bad breaks. His boss tricked him into operating one of those car crusher machines and eventually he found out there had been a lot of people in the trunks of those cars, making him an inadvertent executioner. From what I gather, he killed his boss over it and went a little goofy after, but that all sounds fair enough to me. I would ask Phil over for Christmas no problem. I bet he’d appreciate it. I just wouldn’t ask him to work the blender! Haha, I’m just kidding.
10. Carmina Mora, “The Artist”
She may be a handless, tongueless artist who travels with a murder of crows to do her bidding, but deep down, this is still Carmina Mora, the young artist who had a normal life once upon a time. She calls her father and moans Jingle Bells to him every year on the phone, even though he still blames her for the death of her little brother. She doesn’t have any friends, so she would jump at the chance to celebrate Christmas with you and yours. Just be careful, her old group of friends died from the crows. Make her leave them in the car.
9. Lisa Sherwood, “The Hag”
Lisa is just another one on this list who’s whole thing stems back to them being unsupervised as a child. If you’re reading this and have a kid, keep ‘em indoors until they’re at least 14. They might hate you for it, sure, but do you know what won’t happen? They won’t get abducted and tortured and forced to summon unspeakable horrors using ancient charms given to them by the village’s elders. No, they’ll just backtalk you and stuff. Trust me, you’re getting off easy! Anyway, yeah, The Hag would celebrate Christmas I bet.
8. Tarhos Kovács, “The Knight”
I actually called Tarhos to get his perspective on this, and he told me: “Buddy, I escaped an attempted murder, only to wake up in a mass grave and crawl out, just to find myself in a life of servitude I was only able to escape through years of doing the violent bidding of my masters. Every day is Christmas to me! I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Also, we should talk more often.” So there you go. Pretty good guy, that Tarhos, if you can look past some stuff.
7. Herman Carter, “The Doctor”
A Yale educated man that was recruited by the CIA to participate in the torturing of foreign prisoners, Herman is as American as they come and therefore really, really loves Christmas. He even insists on hosting it at his house every year. Everyone puts on their best face for the holidays and laughs at his novelty sweater and little wisecracks like “I decided the best way to torture everybody at once was to make them eat my cooking,” but deep down, we’re all scared to death.
6. Talbot Grimes, “The Blight”
Did you know this is another fella that crawled out of a mass grave one time? What’s with these guys?! Talbot would show up if you invited him, so that counts for placement, but you really don’t want him there. He’s just far too unpredictable. If he doesn’t kill your friends and family, he’ll at the very least kill the vibe.
5. Caleb Quinn, “The Deathslinger”
Caleb grew up a poor Irish immigrant in the Midwest. Not ideal, but less fucked up than some of these other guys. So he at least probably had those bleak Dust Bowl Christmases where everyone gives each other a rock they found or something, but then they remember it for the rest of their lives because it was a special moment, back before everything went to shit. The Deathslinger comes on pretty tough, but if you give him a nice enough rock for Christmas, he’ll cry like a little boy.
4. Max Thompson Jr., Hillbilly
Max is just a disfigured kid that was born to rich, embarrassed parents. If they weren’t such pricks he could’ve grown up getting ATV’s and new video games for Christmas, but alas, they were ashamed of him so they bricked him off and fed him through a hole in the wall. I doubt they jammed Christmas presents through there. Now that he’s older and has inherited the place (and killed his parents), I think Max would love to have a nice Christmas morning in the living room like he always day dreamed about (except now his parents are dead.)
3. Ji-Woon Hak, “The Trickster”
Ji-Woon Hak loves Christmas, but for all the wrong reasons. He genuinely enjoys giving people expensive gifts, but merely because of how good it makes him look. What a sick fuck.
2. Even MacMillian, “The Trapper”
Evan was just a good boy from the 1800’s who was fiercely loyal to his mass murderer father that suffered from Alzheimer’s. With a better influence, I think he’d turn into an okay dude. If you read about half the shit his father got him to do, I think you’ll agree that Even would be perfectly fine with putting the lights on the roof or whatever else needed done before the holiday. Then if you got him a coonskin cap or some shit for Christmas, he would weep with joy and declare you his new dad. Congratulations!
1. Bubba Sawyer, Leatherface, “The Cannibal”
Leatherface would love Christmas. He’d get excited by the colors and sounds of everything in the living room and get really into it. Then he’d try to open a present with a chainsaw and everyone would panic a little, and he’d feel really bad and hide for a while, but hey, it’s Leatherface’s first Christmas. He’ll get used to it. Maybe just try to take the chainsaw away from him altogether. Tell him it’ll be with his coat!
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