Cuphead Bosses Ranked by How Well They Would Handle Meeting My Parents

#15: Angel and Demon

If he’s an angel, then why’s he hanging out with a demon all the time? I don’t buy it. These guys are shady as hell.

#14: Captain Brineybeard

My dad would hit it off with Brineybeard so fast, you’d think they had been crewmates at sea for decades. They’d share hearty laughs about fish and stuff, while my mom – in classic landlubber fashion – side-eyes them from across the room.

#13: The Root Pack

Not only would it be hard to tell my parents I’m in a polyamorous relationship with four root vegetables, but they’re all assholes too. And I just know Ollie Bulb likes to act like he’s the innocent one of the bunch – well my mom sees right through those crocodile tears, Ollie.

#12: Moonshine Mob

My parents would be hesitant at first when I introduce them to a bunch of animals and bugs, but they’d quickly realize it’s better to just let the mob do what the mob wants to do – as long as you want your legs to remain unbroken, that is.

#11: Rumor Honeybottoms

Everything would be hunky-dory until Honeybottoms gets a call from work and leaves the dinner table for like 45 minutes. I know she’s the boss of the hive and all, but she needs to learn when to take a break. Some day she’s gonna burn out, and it’ll be bad.

#10: Goopy Le Grande

As soon as this classy bastard tips his hat, my parents will be won over. There is an undeniable air of mystery about him, though. Why does he increase in size tenfold when he eats a jelly bean? Actually, don’t answer that. I like the mystery.

#9: Pirouletta

Just imagine this tiny motherfucker twirling around everywhere – not even saying a word, just hopping and skipping and being all kinds of silly. What’s not to like about that?

#8: The Devil

My parents might be too close-minded to see the fact that behind The Devil’s menacing exterior lies a sincere heart. Sure, he may not love often, but when he does, he loves hard. And maybe he’s an asshole all day, but I’m pretty sure that’s just his job.

#7: Grim Matchstick

The initial meeting would probably go well, but I’m not sure how my parents would feel years down the road when Matchstick reveals he has three heads. Talk about baggage!

#6: Wally Warbles

My parents love bird-watching, so they’d definitely be excited to see I’m in a long-term relationship with one!

#5: Dr. Kahl’s Robot

Even if they can get past the fact I’m dating a giant robot, I’m not sure how they’d feel when a crazy evil scientist, albeit a little cutie-pie, emerges from the bot’s head. 

#4: The Howling Aces

My dad would wonder what the fuck I’m doing bringing all these dogs home. He says he doesn’t want any more dogs, but then later you’d find him napping on the couch with the entire squadron.

#3: Tipsy Troop

Three alcoholic beverages – hey, that’s enough for me, my mom, and my dad to share. The three of them would probably die as we drank their innards, but I dunno, it’d be kinda fun to share a drink with my parents.

#2: Cala Maria

Something about Cala Maria’s carefree demeanor and unique perspective on life would give my parents the shake-up they need from the daily humdrum of life. They’d probably keep asking me when she’s coming back, longing for the touch of wonder she brought to their lives.

#1: Cagney Carnation

Cagney would sashay into my parents’ living room, throwing flower petals around as my parents laugh and smile while picking them out of eachothers’ hair. Cagney will be their own personal God, the embodiment of pure bliss, until he abruptly leaves. They’ll cherish the memory of him forever.

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