All too often, the cast of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out are classified and discussed by merely their ability to box. I understand that, but I don’t think boxing is necessarily what defines a lot of these guys. There are some real amateurs in this group, almost certainly living the unglamorous life of struggling fighter; boxing a few times a month while the fight against the world’s bullshit knows no round breaks. So everyone else can talk about how to beat them and who’s the toughest: we’re going to rank them by how annoying it would be to have to repossess their car.
11. Don Flamenco
Don Flamenco has been doing that flower dance for 30 years and the phone stopped ringing a long time ago. The saddest part? I don’t think he’s really Spanish. There’s not a single Spanish person in his family. I think he’s a Greek guy – but I spent the whole week digging through his trash and couldn’t find any more information. Everything’s online now. Sad…. Anyways, repossessing this guy’s car would be very easy because he’s too self-involved to notice.
10. Glass Joe
Repossessing Glass Joe’s car would be very easy and I know that because I have already repossessed several of his cars. Joe owes money all over town. His gambling record is worse than his boxing record, and his boxing record is 1 and 99. He should change his name to Criss Angel because he’s constantly in Vegas making all his stuff disappear.
9. Von Kaiser
When a guy names himself after both Kaiser Wilhelm and Otto Von Bismarck, I take pride in repossessing his car. This would not annoy me at all. I can’t wait. I will fuck up this old-timey German worse than the Treaty of Versailles.
8. Piston Honda
Ironically, Piston Honda drives an electric Mercedes. It’s a great car and I would love to repossess it but the guy has amazing credit and he never misses payments. He lives in Deerfield, Illinois now and owns a string of franchise sandwich shops. One of his daughters used to date the guy from Fallout Boy – but I think she was like 15 when they met, so it’s a touchy subject.
7. Mr. Sandman
This guy is a lovely person. We’ve had tons of conversations and he always makes me feel good about myself. Repossessing his car would be one of the most emotionally challenging things I’ve ever done, and I once refused to give my nephew bone marrow.
Anyways, he’ll shuffle with his hands before throwing a jab. Dodge that and then counterpunch. It’ll knock him out and then you can take his car.
…I’m sorry, Sandy. I’m so sorry.
6. Soda Popinski
Soda Popinski is a tremendous pain in the ass. He’s very fast and he’s constantly drinking, which would make repossessing his car super annoying. Plus, he drives a 1998 Toyota Camry and the resale value is literally $522, so the risk/reward ratio is horrible.
5. Bald Bull
It will be incredibly difficult to take this guy’s car. “Why”, you ask? Because he’s dead.
4. Great Tiger
Never going to happen. The guy can teleport! Skip Tracing is great, but unless you can also teleport, you’re not beating The Tiger to his car. And, candidly speaking, if you can also teleport – then why are you repossessing cars? You must have at least 3 better job options.
3. King Hippo
This is a big man with a big car and a small home. You can see the driveway from every room in the house, and Hippo’s unemployed so he’s always home. You’ll have to bring a friend to distract him while you take the car (like a shitty mission in GTA). I’m already annoyed just thinking about it.
2. Super Macho Man
At first, I got really excited because I thought we were repossessing a car from Macho Man Randy Savage, but then I found out this is a different guy and apparently Randy Savage is dead. Now I’m sad… It would be very annoying to repossess his car because I can’t stop crying.
1. Mike Tyson
This guy is high on drugs and he has tigers living in his house. At the very least, this would be a challenge. However, while I know I could never person beat Tyson in a fight, Buster Douglas did beat him and he’s constantly getting his cars repossessed. So maybe I have a shot.