#26 — Watch Dogs 2
In Assassin’s Creed: Cyberpunk, hipsters harness the power of quick-time events to control the state of California. Constantly mash “X,” drive a shitty little RC car from RadioShack, and repeat ad nauseum. Eventually you will see credits.
#27 — FIFA (franchise)
What’s more tedious than playing the annual FIFA game? Being around people who play the annual FIFA game.
#28 — Tom Clancy’s The Division 2
When Tom Clancy first invented the Assassin’s Creed franchise, he never envisioned it as a co-op experience where groups of friends could roam around a bloated sandbox performing endless, mindless gun combat for dozens of hours. But Ubisoft saw the future. That future was defined by chest-high walls and low standards.
#29 — Prey (2016)
Every time you reach for your cup of coffee, it turns into an alien trying to suck your brains out. And that’s just your morning routine. You’re not even at your day job yet.
#30 — Cities: Skylines
Why, yes, I do love urban planning and figuring out the best way to redirect sewer systems so that my residential neighborhoods aren’t flooded by seas of shit. That IS how I want to spend my free time.
#31 — Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Wildlands
Assassin’s Creed: Recon is a lot like The Division 2, in that you shoot goons in a bloated sandbox until your mom tells you the chicken nuggies are ready and it’s time to come downstairs. The difference here is that you’ll be wasting your time slaughtering virtual people outside of America. You know, like Far Cry.
#32 — Whatever FromSoftware makes next
Don’t pretend you like dying, respawning, spending fifteen minutes getting back to where you were just to learn half an enemy pattern, and then dying again. Don’t pretend that’s a good use of your time.
#33 — God of War (2018)
You know when your dad gets really drunk on Christmas and starts bitching and moaning about how he shouldn’t have had all those wild orgies and gang fights in college? Y’know, where he won’t shut the fuck up about how much he regrets having been cool at one point in his life? That’s the tedium of God of War 2018.
#34 — Days Gone
Drive bike. Refill gas. Sneak around dangerous people at gas station. Steal a water bottle. Drive bike again. Wait for the sweet embrace of death.
#35 — Persona 5
What game has a five-hour-long tutorial? Jesus Christ! I need to pay bills and file my taxes!
#36 — Red Dead Redemption 2
Everyone tells me Red Dead Redemption 2 is tedious but it looks far too tedious for me to try out myself and make a firsthand judgment. I’ll just take their word for it, that putzing around the frontier on a horse for 20 hours isn’t enjoyable.
#37 — Like a Dragon: Ishin
You’re going to know the shitty little towns of Like a Dragon: Ishin like the back of your hand by the time you finish this game. You’re gonna walk up and down the same five streets a couple thousand times and you’re going to LIKE it.
#38 — Call of Duty (franchise)
How many Russians, Germans, brown people, and just about anyone who’s ever caused the U.S. a shred of grief, can you gun down before you realize there are other games out there that might actually stimulate some thought or make you feel an emotion besides the empty anger of your insatiable bloodlust?
#39 – El Shaddai
El Shaddai is like if you were to watch TRON: Legacy at half speed with the audio muted. Sure, you’ll see some cool visuals here and there, but you’re going to want to leave before the credits roll.
#40 — Payday 3
You’re expected to replay the same seven or eight maps and scripted scenarios a couple hundred times in order to find the “value” in this game. You’d need a pretty boring day job for it to be less tedious than stealing money in Payday.
#41 — ARK: Survival Evolved
Any sort of progress in this game takes so long that in order for you to have the pet dinosaur from the game’s cover art, you’re going to need to ensure your kids inherit your account and finish objectives for you after you’re dead.
#42 — American Football
American football is the ultimate game for people who love tedium and getting concussions. You’ll never play for more than five seconds at a time; the sport’s basic rule structure will make sure of that. And don’t forget that if you’re playing the game at any sort of professional level, you’ll have to break up its already horrendous flow with fat commercial breaks every thirty minutes. In a lot of ways, the brain damage wrought by American football is more of a feature than a bug. American football is the game adaptation of Kurt Vonnegut’s Harrison Bergeron.
#43 — Curling
The only thing more tedious than playing curling is trying to understand what value Canadians see in it. Sweeping rocks sounds less like a game and more like a prison sentence.
#44 — Death Stranding
In a way, the tedium of Death Stranding might actually be appreciable to the UPS and FedEx drivers who destroy people’s packages daily. For them, the game will be a rare glimpse at what’s achievable if only they could get good at their real-life jobs.
#45 — Warframe
If the entire life of a ninja is just grinding resources to build a new katana, it’s no wonder the profession went the way of the dinosaur.
#46 — Middle-Earth: Shadow of War
The true ending of Middle-Earth: Shadow of War is only achievable after you spend 12 hours doing copy-paste tug-of-war side content and donating a kidney to Warner Bros. Games. The surgery is the tedious part.
#47 — House Party
This is a coomer game where you have to go through 32 elaborate steps just to get your dick sucked. Getting laid in college wasn’t always easy, but it definitely wasn’t this hard, either.
#48 — Neon White
Halfway through, Neon White stops being an indie darling and becomes a mess of disjointed, obstacle-riddled level design that actively impedes the game’s focus on speed and flow. The tedium sets in and is then compounded by arduous speed-running challenges and ridiculously hidden collectible gifts. Uninstall the game once you reach the Hanging Gardens level. You’ll thank me later.
#49 — Project Zomboid
Take Days Gone, reduce the graphics to that 1991 Microsoft skiing game where the yeti chases you, and release it in modern day. Roam around, look for water bottles, take a nap… the game is basically reminding you to do the real-world tasks you’re actively neglecting.
#50 — Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League
This game hasn’t released yet, but it’s gonna be a fucking slog. If Warner Bros.’ own Gotham Knights is any indication, we’re in for a feast of live-service horseshit game design with some of the greedier elements stripped away due to anticipated consumer backlash. Suicide Squad, Destiny 2, Ubisoft’s sandboxes, Marvel’s Avengers—they’re all the same game. Grind, grind, grind, and hope to God someone pulls the plug before your morphine runs out.
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