You know what everyone loves? Getting their credit card bill. There’s nothing quite like finding out your five-year-old spent $7000 playing Honor of Kings. (But hell – it’s a small price to pay for “Freedon’s blaster pistol”).
Don’t get me wrong – I’m glad my kid is learning to game, I just wish it cost less than a semester at Harvard. Of course, some of these games say they’re free to download, but they’re not free to play. Which is exactly the kind of trick that works on children and 60% of adults. You never know what hidden costs are about to pop up. This kid has me opening my monthly credit card statement like a scene from The Hurt Locker. (And, before anyone says anything, YES, I STILL GET PAPER STATEMENTS BECAUSE I’M OLD)
Anyways – here are 40 Fascinating Mobile Games To Find Out You’re Paying For:
#1. Candy Crush Jelly Saga
It’s the word “Saga” that really confuses me. Makes it sound like they’re fucking Gilgamesh or something instead of just Connect Four with Jujyfruits.
The game encourages you to “Dig, fight, explore” – which is sort of like “run, hide, fight” but less effective.
#3. OldFace – Age Changer
This app was free, so it’s definitely selling my data to a third party. You know, when I told the kid not to download FaceApp, I didn’t mean “go find a less secure alternative to FaceApp”.
#4. Farming Simulator 20
This game is much better than Farming Simulators 16 & 19 (which were also downloaded).
#5. Colgate Magic Toothbrushing Companion
If you’re going to download a game by the Colgate-Palmolive Corporation, this is the one.
#6. Road To Valor: World War 2
This game is bringing up all sorts of complicated issues. I mean, first I have to tell him what World War II was, then I have to explain how Hitler lost Normandy even though they had geographical advantages, fortified bunkers and more artillery weapons.
#7. Aces Of The Luftwaffe
WTF, guys? Why does this exist and why is it so expensive? Seriously – who’s the audience for this? Like “Finally, a game for people who love flight simulators but also hate Jews”.
#8. Tic Tac Toe
Why was this one of my biggest expenditures last month??!?
#9. Mafia City
You can just say “city”.
#10. Alcohol Factory Simulator
Ok – first of all, I don’t want my five-year-old child growing up thinking they’re called “alcohol factories.” Secondly, the game is almost completely unplayable unless you make an in-app purchase. For the amount of money my son spent on this game, I could open up a real “alcohol factory”.
#11. Settlers of Catan (Catan Classic)
Not sure what hurt more: finding out that this cost $5 or finding out that my kid’s a nerd.
#12. Ice Scream 3
I’m new to the Ice Scream franchise – but I was somewhat aware of the main characters as my child mentioned them when describing his recent nightmares. The game is about a “terrifying ice cream seller” who is “too friendly towards kids” and “takes them into his ice cream van”. My kid kept asking if that really happens and I just kept saying “who’s in the mood for pizza bagels??”
#13. Paddles! Pong Edition
This is just ”Pong”, but it’s the 15th search result and the only one that isn’t free.
All I know about this game is that it heated my battery up so much it melted the OtterBox.
#15-21.”Garfield: Snack Time” / “Garfield Food Truck” / “Garfield Sticker Tap” / “Garfield Bingo” / “Garfield Chef” / “Garfield Walk” / “Garfield Trivia”
Holy crap – my kid really likes Garfield…
22. Bingo Bash Featuring Monopoly
If my kid is going to gamble, I wish he’d at least do a version of it that I understand. This is not Bingo, and it’s not Monopoly, and I don’t understand how it’s a bash. The ad says you “collect adorable fish to win fintastic rewards”.
23. WWE Mayhem
I paid $49.99 to buy a “gold throne” for Triple H.
24. Escape Prison
A game that teaches kids what it’s like to be in prison – which is exactly where he’ll end up if he keeps stealing money from me.
25. Hair Challenge
This is described as a “super fun Hair running game”. But I’ve already played a bunch of other hair running games, so I’m going to pass.
26. Love & Pies
I watched the trailer for this and it’s a game about a divorced single mother whose childhood home burns down so she turns the property into a bakery. Pretty sure my kid just downloaded it because of the word “pie”.
27. Farmville 2
Why so many farm simulators? We live in Iowa! If he wanted to work on a farm, he could just go work on a farm. They literally have special laws so kids can do that here.
28. Piercing Shop
Listen, at a certain point, we’re going to have to accept that we’ve run out of things to simulate. But seriously – If you can get past all the ads and the glitches, you can really start to appreciate how much this game sucks.
29. PJ Party – Crazy Pillow Fight
This game was made for children but I’m guessing most of the people who play it are perverts.
30. Flat Ronnie
“For all the Ronnie Mund fans”.
31. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II
This game cost $14.99, took up 4 GBs of space, and it doesn’t even let you drink blue milk from a space cow.
#32. Temple Run series
My kid tells me these games put people in a “flow state” by harnessing their natural propensity towards “Ludic behavior” – but he’s 5, what the hell does he know?
#33. Raid: Shadow Legends
Remember: It’s never too early to teach your child about Microtransactions.
#34. Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded
Why are they still making these games and why is it taking up a gig of space on my phone?! It’s 2D point and click!!!
#35. Life Is Strange
They should call this Battery Life Is Strange. I’m terrified that my phone will die in the middle of an emergency all because my kid wanted to know what it was like to be a teenage photographer. It’s not a bad game, but I already own it on PlayStation. JUST PLAY IT ON THE PLAYSTATION!
#36. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
THERE’S A MOBILE VERSION OF ‘GTA: SAN ANDREAS’?!
Aw shit, here we go again.
#37. Call Of Duty Mobile
It’s good that it’s mobile. This way your kids can get harassed by toxic middle-aged incels while they’re on the move.
#38. Tales Of Monkey Island
At first, you’re excited that your kid wants to play a classic. Then you find out this isn’t actually the classic game and also your kid downloaded it by accident.
#39. Shaq Fu: A Legend Reborn
What kid doesn’t want to watch a 51-year-old Shaq do kung fu?
#40. Real Steel World Robot Boxing
Actually, I think I bought this one.