By now you’ve certainly heard the news: I, Ben Shapiro, 42-inch person and legend of misunderstanding popular things, did not enjoy the Barbie film. In case you haven’t seen my eloquent and not-at-all-embarrassing reaction video on YouTube, here are but a few of the reasons I found this movie to be insulting and worthless.
1. There was singing
I’m sorry, but if you have something you want me to get from what you’re saying, don’t sing it to me. Singing only makes you sound non-intellectual. Tell me about the hills being alive with the sound of music like a reasonable person, and we can debate the matter further if necessary.
2. No lessons on female anatomy
The Hollywood fat cats once again blew what would’ve been a golden opportunity to help some of its more confused adult viewers understand just what the heck is going on with female bodies. Alas, this “film” only gave me more questions about my wife’s baffling anatomy.
3. No refills on kiddie sized popcorn
They told me they only did free refills on a large popcorn. Well, let’s just say hypothetically I really wanted to enjoy some popcorn and receive a complimentary Barbie toy and Airhead candy? Certainly the Kiddie Combo would be the most logical course of action, no? I eventually wore everyone at the concession stand down, but I’m not sure why it was even an issue in the first place.
4. Insides felt funny whenever I saw Ryan Gosling
Warner Brothers, Mattel, and Greta Gerwig have clearly conspired with the Deep State to add elements of mind control and emotional manipulation to Barbie in an effort to brainwash the children that see it. How else to explain the inexplicable fluttery feeling in my abdomen every time the Ken character showed up on screen?
5. No intermission
If you’re anything like me, you generally have a bunch of soda or barbecue sauce all over your fingers about 45 minutes into a movie. How are we supposed to scrawl in our notebooks with sticky hands, Hollywood?
6. My wife enjoyed it
If I can’t please my wife, why does Hollywood get to?!
7. Was asked to remove my assault weapons and body armor
I arrived to the cinema armed to the teeth, same as if I were getting Subway or picking my kid up from ice skating lessons. But for some reason, the woke SJW’s at the AMC told me I wasn’t allowed to stand up for my rights if they involved walking around the mall looking like a SWAT team member. This country is dead.
8. Many characters over 5’2″
So much for realism in movies, I guess!
9. Crowded theater
The screening I saw was so full of immature, entitled brats mouthing off every time they had half-formed thoughts that I was hardly able to focus on my own immature, entitled, half-formed thoughts.
10. I was told there would be no Ken doll character
When I botched my Barbie audition, they told me that they probably weren’t even going to use the Ken character, and that it was okay I did so poorly. I realize in hindsight those casting directors were all just trying to get me to stop crying. It didn’t work, you idiots!
11. No one in theater would explain confusing parts to me
I kept getting very lost in the plot (Not my fault, that is on Greta), and no one, no one, in the theater would explain to me the things I was confused by. The Barbie movie I am currently working on with Gina Carano and Scott Baio will be much easier to understand, I assure you.
12. Similar to everything I dislike, it is woke
I noticed a little bit of wokeness on my way into the theater and decided to let it go (handicapped parking spots), but then in the lobby I noticed there were all kinds of ads for movies that weren’t Sound of Freedom. Um, okay, communist state, anyone? Wokeness is everywhere and it is ruining our culture! I also followed a girl with short hair into the ladies bathroom too, but it turned out she was not a trans child. Just had to be sure nothing weird was going on.
13. The theater man yelled at me
On my way out, I opened the door to the Insidious theater just to peek at it for a second. Just a second! My wife doesn’t let me watch scary stuff like that, so I was just a little curious what was going on in there. An usher yelled at me and told me I needed a ticket. He was so mean. I can see why my wife doesn’t let me watch these movies.
14. Free handouts of other movies
Before the film started, I was shocked to see small clips of other upcoming theatrical movies being shown to us like filthy freeloaders for absolutely free. I did not ask for this handout, and I could not find anyone in the lobby that would accept my money for this handout. I apologize to any of my fans that expect more out of me.
15. Someone kept throwing ice cubes at me
While this isn’t technically Barbie or Greta Gerwig’s fault, this certainly took away from my enjoyment of this lousy movie.
16. Has black characters
Uh, excuse me? The movie was called Barbie, right? Not Barbie and Friends, Including a Black One I Will Disproportionately Focus On!
17. No scenes where a special boy named Ben saves the day with a bright idea or by lifting something heavy
If you’ve studied screenwriting as extensively as I have, you’d know that you need a scene like this to make sure your viewers haven’t stopped paying attention. The character doesn’t necessarily have to be named Ben, either. Could be Benjamin, Benny, or B.S. Wait, not that last one!
18. I was surrounded by happy people
The atmosphere of the crowded theater really dampened the cynical review I had set out to write. You know how sometimes movie theaters will have special screenings of movies for parents to bring their cranky young children to? Could we maybe do that for all the cranky scolds that would like to contribute to a film’s record breaking opening weekend while furiously scribbling notes for their 45 minute YouTube reaction video? I would like it if my hate-dollars were registered as such.
19. No monsters
Frankly, if there are no monsters in a movie, I tend to get a little bored. I think we all do. Every movie needs at least one monster scene. The children around me in the theater disagreed and asked me to be quiet, but everyone else around us could tell I won the debate.
20. It was over too soon
At just an hour and 54 minutes, Greta Gerwig’s insulting screed against masculinity feels like it ends at least a half hour before it should. I wanted more Barbie! To uh, hate.
