WASHINGTON — Tesla CEO, loving father, and President of the United States, Elon Musk, was shot dead last night while wielding a chainsaw on-stage at the annual CPAC conference. The alleged shooter, Leon S. Kennedy, who is a member of Musk’s Secret Service security detail, was detained on-site and is now cooperating with authorities through their investigation.
CPAC attendees were quick to share the horrific details of this deadly night.
“He was just up there waving the chainsaw around like a madman,” said Claire Redfield, a reformed ecoterrorist and close friend of Kennedy’s. “Leon was just doing what he does best, shooting maniacs with chainsaws. It’s muscle memory for him at this point. Clean shot too. Leon took his head right off.”
The chaos only continued into the night after Kennedy’s alleged headshot. Redfield shared the carnage that resulted in 20 additional deaths.
“We thought it was over, then a Plagas parasite exploded out of the hole where the President’s head used to be.” Redfield said, while rubbing a green herb against her bruised arm. “The bastard cut down a bunch of federal workers. The looks of shock on their faces still haunt me. Thankfully, Leon was able to finally take him down before he could do more damage.”
Acting President, Donald Trump, had some choice words for Kennedy. He also had some choice words for his assassinated predecessor.
“Wow, Elon. ASSASSINATED. Sad. I guess I could have taught you a few lessons about dodging bullets. Too late,” Trump wrote from his Truth Social. “And this Leon guy? What’s the S stand for? STOOPID?!!!! What a bozo.”
At press time, Trump announced an investigation into the Secret Service’s hiring practices.
