BERLIN — Emphasizing that it supports peace, love, unity, and respect, the drug ketamine has publicly distanced itself from Elon Musk, a well known user of the substance, sources confirmed.
“I do not agree with the politics of Elon or condone his recent erratic behavior. In fact, I consider him a danger to our country and its health,” said the horse tranquilizer commonly taken at raves, noting that Elon’s rhetoric and actions in the past few months were “unrelated to his use of me.”
“Some forms of myself are literally FDA approved now. Sure, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but that doesn’t make me inherently bad. Elon’s X, on the other hand, is completely toxic and unregulated. If you ask me, we should make that addictive scourge a Schedule III drug and bump me down a few levels.”
Fans of the drug were eager to back up ketamine’s statement.
“I’ve been with K a long time,” said Randall Landry, 36. “I can’t think of a single time I saw it with Elon. I would definitely remember something like that. It’s not something you’d easily forget, like what you had for lunch today, or the name of the person you’re dancing with, or how you got back home from the afters you were at.”
One Musk biographer disagreed with ketamine’s argument.
“We can see a distinct change in Elon’s behavior that started precisely when he began taking therapeutic doses of ketamine,” said Andrew Saxon, author of “K-Hole to Mars: South Africa’s Greatest Genius.” “He’s always been among the smartest individuals ever born, as evidenced by his brilliant idea of forcing Tesla to add his name to the list of founders despite the fact that all he did was invest some of his Paypal buyout long after the company was created.”
“Ketamine helped open his third eye, allowing him to see that he, the richest man in the history of the planet, was actually being unjustly oppressed by disenfranchised and vulnerable minorities. Without Special K, Elon may never have turned his attention away from fighting climate change and towards defeating the woke mind virus. The world should be grateful for ketamine’s contributions to the nascent Terran Empire.”
At press time, cocaine released a statement enthusiastically endorsing its “good friend” Donald Trump, Jr.
