HYRULE — Concerned Kakariko Village parents began to petition city officials to fence off a local chasm when a third child plummeted into the Depths after wandering into it, sources report.
“How many more of our children have to die before the Hylians who’ve sworn to protect us do something about it?” resident Saphie told reporters. “The people of West Necluda are perpetually in a state of mourning because that infernal chasm has claimed three of our babies, and what is that supposed hero Link doing? Last I heard he was out in Central Hyrule running over Bokoblins in poorly-built, Zonaite-fueled vehicles that he fashioned together. Our next best option is to plead with our public officials to build a fence and prevent more deaths.”
Kirru, a local merchant, agreed with Saphie.
“Yeah, this town just isn’t as safe as it used to be,” Kirru reflected “It used to be that you could venture out of town at any time, but ever since the Upheaval, you’re liable to come across one of those huge chasms or, even worse, a horde of murderous Lizalfos. I’m always warning the children around here to stay away from that chasm, but you know how they are. Telling them not to do something just fuels their desire to do it, and now Kakariko Village has three dead kids on its hands. We’ve just got to build that fence.”
West Necluda Head of Public Works Fildi weighed in on the situation.
“Listen, I commiserate with these poor parents. I really do,” Fildi said. “It’s just that revenue in this part of Hyrule has skyrocketed ever since that chasm opened the door to the puffshroom trade, and fencing it off might negatively impact our routes to the Depths. King Ganondorf has imposed some very strict fealty taxes throughout Hyrule, and we need to make up that lost money somehow. I’m not saying the deaths of those children is a fair tradeoff, but the town has never been in a better place financially.”
At press time, Fildi compromised with the parents by giving each child in Kakariko Village a paraglider.
