If you’re anything like the Hard Drive staff, you’ve been eagerly awaiting the weekly episode drops for Arcane season 2 while simultaneously swearing to never touch League of Legends as long as you live. You also may be tempted to beat off to Caitlyn because let’s face it, she’s a standout in a sea of animated hotties. But a little something keeps pulling at your conscience–the fact that she’s a fucking cop.
Never fear. We here at Hard Drive have exactly the step-by-step guide to help you retain your presumed moral and political purity while getting to jerk off to a leggy dictator-in-waiting.
1. Begin with a Land Acknowledgement
Take a moment to make it clear you understand the sociopolitical environment in which you’re about to bust a nut. There are plenty of land acknowledgement scripts out there, and we’re not going to provide one here, because it’s not our job to educate you. While you’re Googling for a script, be honest with yourself that you’re also going to have to Google the name of the tribe that was previously located on the lot in which your shitty apartment complex stands prior to being slaughtered, because there’s no way in hell you know off the top of your head.
2. Do a little mental gymnastics about her actual profession
Okay, so if you’ve been watching season 2, it’s kind of clear that she’s less of a “cop” and more of a “strategically installed monarch.” Is that better? Take a good long while to ponder if it’s better in the eyes of the highly judgemental public to furiously masturbate to an unelected proto-fascist than your standard police lady.
3. Decide that doesn’t matter and look for some anti-police stuff to repost on social media real quick
Abandon your previous train of thought and swipe out of the Pornhub tab with the worst SFM League porn you could find for a second. Open up Instagram and search for some cutesy infographics to repost about police brutality or something like that. Share 7-10 of these on your story in a row and hope that clears your conscience. Remember: the best activism can be done from the comfort of your own iPhone 16.
4. Say “ACAB” out loud five times like you’re summoning Betelgeuse
Pretty self-explanatory. You can do this step in the mirror if it makes you feel better about the rope you’re about to blast.
5. Immediately forget you did all this once you start jerkin’ it in earnest
Oh, fuck, that’s the good shit right there–
