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Groom Determined to Sneak Fusion Dance Into Wedding Choreography

CRANBURY, N.J. — Groom Oren Crowne had hoped sneaking a Fusion Dance into his wedding choreography without asking his bride-to-be would somehow bring him and his fiancée closer together than ever, according to worried sources in the bridal party.

“I was wondering why Oren kept muttering ‘wed…ding… hah!’ whenever we tried the moves he suggested,” said Douglas “Dougie” Madison, a choreographer hired by Crowne and bride Gina Lacey to develop their wedding dance. “It would be one thing to include those steps if they fit aesthetically with the elegance and intimacy we’ve been trying to keep front and center, but the so-called Fusion ‘Dance’ is more like a kung fu cheer routine, and has no place in my studio or my choreography.”

The Fusion Dance, a method of joining people not matrimonially, but corporeally, involves a series of synchronized poses that Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama has described as “stupid.” Analysts compared footage from a recent rehearsal session at Madison’s studio to footage from the 1995 movie Dragon Ball Z: Fusion Reborn, and concluded that the similarities were too strong to be mere coincidence.

Crowne has since dismissed Fusion Reborn as non-canon and maintains that the allegations against him are false and unfair.

“I would never incorporate Metamoran fusion into my wedding,” Crowne said, stuffing a puffy-collared vest deep into a closet. “Toriyama-sensei himself said that Potara fusions are stronger, and I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I’d only want to be married to Gina for half an hour instead of potentially forever.”

But at least one precedent has caused Lacey to remain skeptical.

“He actually tried the Potara thing first,” Lacey explained. “A few months into our engagement, he started floating the idea that instead of exchanging wedding bands, I could wear ‘special earrings’ during the ceremony and give him one. I thought it was kind of sweet, but as soon as he showed me the earrings, the jig was up. I may have been a reluctant participant in his Fusion Saga rewatch last year, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t paying attention.”

Lacey says that while there are no plans to cancel the wedding, this ordeal has caused her to reexamine the inordinate interest Crowne has taken in their “couple name”—Orengina—and offered new context for the time she observed him motioning aggressively in their bathroom and whisper-shouting phrases like “Final Carbonation” and “Citrus Flash.”