AUSTIN, Texas — Judge Joe Miles dismissed a key piece of evidence from the divorce proceedings between John Wainwright and his now ex-wife, Sarah, courtroom sources confirmed.
“You’d be surprised at how many of these guys I see with the same defense,” said the Honorable Judge Joe Miles. “He started making his case to me by saying how ‘us straight white males have to look out for each other.’ He wouldn’t stop referring to his wife’s attorney as a ‘DEI hire,’ and he threw a full-on tantrum when he noticed that the bailiff’s fingernails were painted. We tried to tell Mr. Wainwright that he’s a single dad and lets his five-year-old daughter paint his nails as a bonding activity, but he just kept going on about rainbow flags in ‘Spider-Man.’ It was incoherent.”
Sarah Wainwright was stunned at her ex-husband’s insistence that “woke games” were the root of the problems with their marriage.
“He doesn’t even play video games that often,” Mrs. Wainwright recalled. “He spends most of his day on Twitter. I could not get through to him while he was typing. Watching someone become so furious, typing and talking to himself was—I’m sorry. It was terrifying to watch him spiral. And, of course, I became the enemy. That’s the whole reason he wanted me to pay alimony: I had ‘gone woke,’ and must therefore now, ‘go broke.”
Wainwright’s attorneys were disappointed with the Judge’s decision to dismiss such a crucial component to their case, and were sure that things would have turned out differently if it weren’t for their key witness refusing to show up in court.
“I think it speaks volumes that Mr. Druckmann refused to come in for questioning,” Attorney Matt Hogan stated. “If he weren’t somewhat responsible for what has happened here, why not come in and clear that up? Really makes you think about what he could possibly be hiding.”
At press time, Wainwright was reportedly satisfied to receive full custody of his Warhammer 40K figurines, despite being denied any visitation rights with his children.
