BISMARK, N.D. — A panel titled “Go Woke, I’ll Fucking Kill You” that took place at the first annual “Gamers’ Rights” convention at the Bismark Airport Drury Inn conference center broke out into the most public display of lolicon defense in recorded history.
“This was staged by wokie agitators,” said event organizer Derek Fleegan, known as “Buck Chudley” on YouTube and X. “We came here to peacefully discuss why people who force woke ideas into games should be killed. That’s it. Video games are supposed to be fun, not make you think about stuff. Especially not stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable or like maybe there are things about yourself that you are too emotionally fragile to contend with, and if I ever were to accept myself for who I was, I might actually have a shot at being happy…but as I was saying, once that rabble-rouser disrupted the panel I had no choice but to defend the arts.”
The rabble-rouser was Danielle Cooper, the lone female attendant of the convention who shared her experience online.
“The person sitting next to me asked if I was a fan of a certain anime I won’t name, and I told them I thought it was a little creepy ‘cause of how young the characters look and how they might be just a little sexualized,” Cooper said. “He stood up so fast it knocked his chair down and he shouted, ‘She said lolicon is creepy!’. Then Buck Chudley pulled a megaphone out from under the table, started shouting, and ordered the audience to throw their body pillows at me which they did without question. Some of them were full of Beyblades. I had to get eight stitches on my head.”
Hayden Brayden-Jayden, the attendee who alerted the others to Ms. Cooper’s comment, spoke in defense of his actions.
“Once again, feminism has stooped to a new low by planting a mole among our numbers,” Brayden-Jayden said. “As if anyone worth their salt would believe for an instant a woman who might be interested in defending games would come here. Real Gamer Girls know it would be unwise for one of the fairer sex to be exposed to such concentrated levels of Alpha Gamer, and thus the only logical conclusion is the one who did have the misguided notion to ingratiate herself with us would have to be a mole. There’s no other logical explanation. She was wrong though—about the lolicon. These liberals love to defend art when it’s something queer like a book, but when it comes to real art then suddenly censorship is justified. My philosophy is: If I can’t goon to it, I’m not interested.”
At press time, Buck Chudley had uploaded ten separate videos explaining how none of this was his fault and that next year’s convention would take place in another city as all attendees had been permanently banned from the city of Bismark.
