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What ‘Furiosa’s’ Failure Says About Hollywood According to Someone Who’d Have Had the Same Opinion if It Succeeded

RALEIGH, N.C. — George Miller’s new film Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga was the headliner for what’s been called the worst Memorial Day box office in 29 years. Is this proof that streaming services may replace theaters entirely, a temporary slump that can be traced back to last year’s WGA and SAG-AFTRA labor strikes, or proof that the film industry meta has finally, conclusively shifted away from the theatrical release model?

It’s actually none of these, according to culture warrior Hunter Perkins.

“This is all the proof you need that Hollywood has lost the moviegoing public,” Perkins said in a long multi-paragraph Twitter Blue Essay. “A female lead in a Mad Max movie is the kind of forced diversity that’s choked this business out like a kudzu vine. There was so much estrogen in the theater during Furiosa that I could barely make it through two screenings.”

Perkins, 56, is a writer, film critic, and serial divorcee who hosts the Mad Movie Ranters podcast. Since December of last year, he’s written nearly 40,000 words and recorded 12 60-minute YouTube videos about Furiosa. Some randomly chosen titles from Perkins’ channel include “Mad Maxine?!” “Is George Miller Being Forced to Trans-ify His Own Franchise?!” and “Don’t You Dare Tell Me to Leave the Theater, SJW Usher Scum!”

“I’ve been telling people for years that the alphabet mafia has an inexplicable hammerlock on Western culture,” Perkins said. “There are no movies for real men anymore, like a big shoot-’em-up starring Jason Statham where he kills for a righteous cause. All that’s gone now. Furiosa is the final strike, the last great soy bomb. Or it would’ve been. I guess even they could only push people so far. Get woke, go broke, Hollywood.”

According to social media analysts like UCLA sociology professor Daria Schumacher, this is a typical feint by online cultural critics.

“It’s textbook,” said Schumaker. “Perkins was set up to blame Furiosa’s success for the downfall of the domestic film industry. Then it actually failed in such a way that highlights the vulnerabilities of that industry, so he’s trying to have it both ways. In-house, we’ve begun calling this maneuver the ‘Stellar Blade.’”

At press time, Perkins had hurriedly pivoted to predicting that Alex Garland’s Civil War was foreshadowing that American elites intend to start a real civil war before the end of the year.

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