Hello readers, it’s your favorite video game journalists Hard Drive! We’ve been thinking a lot about how to increase our reach and influence, and we think we’ve hit the perfect solution: fake news! That’s right, we’re gonna lie our way to the top by making things up! And we have what we think is the perfect initial volley: we’re going to start a rumor that Andy Samberg has been hired to play Wolverine in the Marvel Cinematic Universe!
It’s basically the perfect rumor. Think about it: he’s the precise level of star they’ve been going after since Phase Four started. You’ve heard of him for sure, but he’s not like a Scarlett Johansson, you know? Plus, they’ve really been on a kick with comedians lately. Chris Pratt? Kumail Nanjiani?? Awkwafina??? By this point, it’s only a matter of time for our pal Andy anyway!
Sure, at 5’10” he’s noticeably taller than Wolverine (canonical height: 5’3″. Short king!). But you freaks ate up Hugh Jackman (6’3″!) in the role, so I don’t want to hear it! Plus, it’ll give us the chance to have Joanna Newsome in a fun cameo. Kitty Pryde, anyone?
And finally, the biggest reason why we’re telling people Samberg is perfect as Logan is because it’s sure to piss off all the big MCU heads that are going to be up in arms, claiming he’s “too funny” or “can’t embody the character’s rage” or whatever. Are you seriously going to tell me you think the star of Space Chimps doesn’t have range? That the man whose dick was in a box doesn’t know pain? Ridiculous. I’m scoffing at you! This is me scoffing at you!
You may be wondering what our next Fake Rumor is. We can’t tell you yet, but I’ll give you a hint: his star turn as Spider-Ham made his casting decision a… “snap”!! Stay tuned!
(John Mulaney is the new Thanos.)