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Warner Bros Discovery to Acquire You

According to sources within the company, Warner Bros. Discovery is in talks to acquire you by any means necessary. David Zaslav has supposedly met with your close friends to talk details on the matter, and learn where you’ll be tomorrow at noon.

“He never pays his share when we go out to eat, so you can have him for all I care. I would say I’m worried about antitrust laws, but those have never stopped you before,” said your girlfriend who hasn’t spoken to you in days.

“He doesn’t have a streaming service or anything but he did make a lot of skating videos and put them on VHS tapes that you could probably add to Max. He also really likes The Sopranos so he’s a perfect match for the brand.”

An anonymous whistleblower close to David Zaslav recounted the CEO’s response to your friends’ enthusiasm.

“David was thrilled when everyone said he could have you for free. Usually we have to pay millions or billions of dollars for a merger like this, but it seemed like your friends all really wanted you gone,” said the whistleblower.

“They said all we had to do was get you at the end of your shift down at the movie theater, and you’d be all ours. We did have to make some investments to make sure the acquisition goes smoothly, though. We bought a burlap sack and an unmarked van, and we got a few guys who wouldn’t mind a few years in prison.”

The source also elaborated on how this milestone acquisition would affect the company’s plans moving forward.

“This really is huge for us. Everybody seems to hate Zaslav, so we’re going to place you as an executive in the company and make you do some really heinous stuff so Zaslav can fire or kill you or whatever. Hopefully public opinion will really shift in his favor after that.”

At press time, Warner Bros. employees were seen donning ski masks and driving towards your location.

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