PHILADELPHIA — Resident Marvel fan Steven Gooner has gone public about the embarrassing issues with noisy neighbors plaguing his Center City apartment complex.
In an effort to one up his loud upstairs neighbors, he spoke out with a megaphone in front of City Hall, before a crowd of confused onlookers.
“Nearly 250 years ago, our Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution right here, in this very municipality. It is an absolute travesty that they neglected to ratify the inalienable right to morbin’ time in your own private domicile, without being disrupted by the sounds of clobberin’ time coming from your neighbor’s domicile! If we’re endowed with the right to discreetly purchase AK-47s from gun shows without any sort of background checks, then why can’t we have the right to discreetly shoot something else?”
Before anyone in the crowd could point out that the Founding Fathers had died over a century before Stan Lee’s birth, or that the right to privacy is already a thing, Gooner continued to bemoaned his lack of success connecting with other sincere, earnest fans of the 2022 Marvel film Morbius
“Look, I feel for the guy,” attested an onlooker of the crowd to an Action News anchor, “I’ve been pretty lonely for the past couple years myself, since the pandemic. But the movie has a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. Unless he ups and joins Jared Leto’s cult, he’s gonna have a hard time finding other likeminded people.”
Though the demonstration garnered confusion and laughter, Steven’s mom Geraldine was elated to see her son get out more.
“The boy’s confided in me about his fear of dying alone, and he very well still could, but it heartens me to see him out and about. Used to spend every waking moment buried in his forums and comment sections, now he’s making the whole damn world his comment section! Maybe one day, he’ll bring home a date that’s not his left hand.”
At press time, Shameik Moore has reportedly expressed relief over no longer having the most embarrassing Marvel headline in the news cycle.
