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Uninspired Stephen King Seen Wandering Home Depot Looking for Ideas

BANGOR, Maine — Legendary horror novelist Stephen King was recently spotted poking around various aisles of a Home Depot store, clearly seeking inspiration for a new story, several employees confirmed.

“I didn’t realize who it was at first,” said Home Depot employee Edmund Long. “And when I asked if he needed help with any of the landscaping equipment he was looking at, he just said no and started talking about the damage you could do to a guy with one of these weed whackers. That’s when I realized who I was talking to: the absolute GOAT, Stephen King! I told him I was a big fan and he pulled me in close and whispered that he’s been out of shit for like six years at this point and asked what I thought the scariest things we sold were. I told him probably something to do with septic tank stuff, but then he told me I didn’t understand what he meant. Weird guy.”

King, a longtime Maine resident, has taken to moseying around various stores in town lately, much to the speculation of many in the community.

“Stephen’s lived here forever, but always kept to himself,” said local resident Mark Peck. “That is until recently. Now, it seems like everyone’s spotting him here or there. My neighbor said [Stephen King] came into the windshield factory he works at and demanded to see the most dangerous machines, and Paul from work swears he saw him at the cemetery writing names down off of gravestones. Something very unsettling is happening to that man. Well, that or he’s finally out of shit.”

King, however, defended his recent eccentric behavior.

“No way I’m out of ideas,” he said, speaking from his home in Maine as he sorted out his recent Home Depot purchases. “Hey, did you ever see a tiny little chainsaw like this? Look at this little fucker. Man. I’m thinking some children, some chapters that start with rock and roll lyrics as quotes, and some sort of a bloodbath or two involving a tiny chainsaw. Oh, and maybe The Keymaker! No, wait, no, that’s right, I just needed an extra key made for my shed. Nothing scary about that, I suppose. Well, maybe with a little revising.”

As of press time, King had announced his upcoming 67th novel, A Big Box of Nails, will be available next Spring.