SILVER LAKE, Calif. — A first date went south in seconds yesterday when a local woman heard the man-child she was out with earnestly call his VHS collection his “nest egg”, sources urging the woman to flee reported.
“I mean, the night was far from perfect from the start, when for some reason he requested we meet at a Barcade that he’d been banned from for jamming Lunchables pepperoni slices in the quarter slots,” said Shocarra Cunningham, while looking up nunneries on her phone. “So, 15 minutes later after we had been tossed out, we were out sitting on the curb making conversation, and then he drops that ‘nest egg’ bomb. All his meager finances are tied up in the moldy boxes of videotapes, I guess. He had pictures of them in his wallet, like a normal person would have of their loved ones. My Hinge algorithm is trying to do me in.”
When asked about his experience on the date, Travis Bailey couldn’t wait to talk further about the value of his cherished VHS haul.
“Oh yeah, it’s a pretty extensive collection. Got all sorts of limited edition clamshell cases, even have a copy of Mars Attacks signed by Tom Jones himself,” said the 36-year-old former dogwalker, while waxing his handlebar mustache. “Plus, I’ve got like 85 copies of Bowfinger…It’s not especially rare, but there’s a lot of them, y’know? If I sold them all for a buck apiece, I’m 75 whole bucks richer. If that’s not a retirement fund, I don’t know what is. Between my videos and my collection of all 50 state quarters, I could start shopping for second hand mopeds, like, TOMORROW. Life is sweet.”
Los Angeles Times love columnist Tovah Wendricks espoused a growing concern with the financial stability of men in Bailey’s age-range and interest bracket.
“Our studies show a whopping 91% of first dates end in men revealing themselves to be completely ill-equipped for their own futures, let alone sharing it with someone else.” she said. “We find it’s best for the long-suffering responsible parties on these dates to simply ‘play it cool, say ‘that’s cool’ and leave this fool’. Follow those directions, and then going forward maybe not matching with men who reference their supposed nunchuck ability in their profile, and true connection could come your way soon. At least, we hope to god it does.”
At press time, Ms. Cunningham was further mortified when she witnessed Bailey attempting to tip a bartender with a couple of Pog Slammers.