WASHINGTON — In a real turnaround from its decades of financial ruin, President Donald Trump signed an executive order declaring that, actually, Twitter is, always has been and always will be, profitable and that there’s “nothing the woke DEI mob can do to stop it.”
“Today marks a momentously momentous moment in our Glorious Great Nation’s Extensive History, as the greatest social media platform of all time moves out from under the very wrong, very bad, very incorrect notion that it’s ‘a digital pit for setting real money on fire’ and is ‘overrun with bots that neither spend money on advertised products nor accurately account for the goings-on of reality,’ and into the 20th century as the MOST PROFITABLE AND BEST PLATFORM EVER,” The President posted exclusively to Truth Social immediately after signing the order.
Elon Musk, Twitter owner, CEO, and catalyst for a mass-exodus of advertisers, was ecstatic at the news.
“Honestly, after spending billions of dollars to prove I was shadow-banned, a real thing I am still fighting and will never give up on, I’m just happy and thrilled that reality has finally caught up to what I’ve always known in my heart and my gut: I have money, I’m right. No one else is more right than me.” Musk later clarified that the President had potential to be more right than him, under the correct circumstances.
DOGE officials celebrated the move, releasing terabytes of private information freely onto the platform in celebration.
“There was a great man who carried the wisdom of our forebears and founders when he said: If the President does it, it’s not a crime. I believe his name was Ronald Milhouse Reagan and his reich will last a thousand years!” the official later clarified he meant “reich” in the traditional Autistic twitch/Roman sense.
At press time, Congressional Democrats assured voters that with a few dollars more, they could start to look into the legality of any of this.
