FRESNO, Calif. — Marvel dropped a shocking new teaser for their latest exclusive Disney+ television series, shocking fans by revealing at the end that this one is going to be mandatory.
“God damn it,” said exhausted Marvel fan Timothy Gunkler. “I was watching through the trailer, laughing at the mediocre CGI and the weird plot elements until bam, one of the main Avenger’s showed up near the middle of the trailer. While at first I was a little excited, thinking ‘Oh, wow. Paul Rudd agreed to this,’ when my slight smile faded upon the realization that this show is going to actually matter. They aren’t just gonna ‘Moon Knight’ it where it takes place across the fucking world with little connection to the main stuff in case people don’t want to watch it. They made it very clear that the next movie is going to completely hinge upon this shit, and I’m going to have to watch it now.”
“I’m going to have to invest an hour a week for eight excruciating weeks watching this shit or else I don’t get to be a part of the monoculture,” he continued. “There should be laws against this.”
Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige said this marketing strategy was definitely intentional.
“Well, well, well,” Feige began in a press conference. “Did you think you stupid bastards could just show up to the theaters every once in a while? No fucking way. Oh, what’s that? You’re just going to watch a YouTuber do a recap for the show? Okay, little baby. Can’t call yourself a true Marvel fan though. That’s right. Get your popcorn, get your remote, you’re settling in for six hours a piece for various minor characters that do not matter, and there will be one important plot point in every single one so that you cannot skip them. Clearly you people don’t understand: I fucking own you.
At press time, Marvel announced that television shows would be unintelligible unless viewers had signed onto the newest season of Fortnite.