Yu-Gi-Oh. Difficult to learn, expensive to master. Yet when going up against the best and brightest duelists in the country, you’re gonna need more than a rent’s worth of cards to come out on top. That’s why I’m here. As the former American Champion and the current legally disputed winner of Duelist Kingdom, I’m here to arm you with the knowledge you need to crush the competition and top your next Worlds.
Follow my advice, and you’ll be walking away with the greatest prize of them all: A sense of pride and accomplishment, a Steam Deck, and a single booster box of cards.
Believe in the Heart of the Cards
Hey, if it worked for those spiky-haired freaks then it should work for you. Of course, we all know that “Heart of the Cards” is just the politically correct way of saying “During your Draw Phase, place the card you want on top of your deck”. Be like the Pharaohs of old, and literally manifest the card you want.
Use the Power of Friendship
Friends are great. They cheer you on when you’re winning, bring you up when you’re feeling down, and serve as an excellent pool of resources to utilize whenever you need. Just remember that if you’re missing a few Star Chips or Locator Cards, there’s absolutely someone in your life who’ll donate them, willingly or otherwise.
Don’t be Afraid to Use a Rival’s Card
There’s nothing wrong with admitting when your opponent has a better card than you. So leave your ego at the door and slide it into your deck. Ideally after swiping it from them after you beat them up.
Remember to Open Your Latest Pack
Even third-rate duelists with fourth-rate decks know that more cards is better than less cards. And rare cards are better than common cards. Seriously, you need to send a message to your opponent. Your deck isn’t just better, it’s shinier. Are you actually going to show up at the Intercontinental Championships flashing a simple Holo Charizard instead of a Crown Rare? Pricks like you are the reason this country’s going to the dogs.
Make the Terrain Work for You
Field power bonuses don’t count for nothing if you play your cards right. All it takes is some quick thinking and a willingness to believe in the corruption of our judicial system. Snivelling little punk hiding in a forest to buff his bugs? Take a page from the Amazon Rainforest and burn it down. Ocean freak wants you to swim in a sea of monsters? Oil and a match. Facing off in a no-stakes duel against a nine year old in the middle of a heavily populated city?
Arson baby.
Drown out the Horrors of your Past
You don’t get to become a pro duelist without seeing some things. Things you’d rather forget. Like the time you pulled a 1st Edition Ultimate Rare and slipped it into the safety of your pocket. Only to absentmindedly hand your jeans over to your mom, having completely forgotten it’s laundry day…
The Russian Roulette was pretty gnarly too.
Prepare for Any Situation
Only idiots don’t pack in advance. I’m not referring to firearms or genitalia (naturally I wield both with deadly efficiency), but instead your decks. Bring every single one you’ve got. And if a judge asks to see your decklist, ask if they’ve seen anyone naked. Watch them break down in tears as you achieve both a literal and metaphorical win.
Make Your Own Luck
Starting hand not up to snuff? Your supposedly honorable opponent cut your deck in a way that makes him look sus? Don’t stand for that. You only get one life (unless you meet a handsome fellow with a knack for raising the dead), so don’t waste it!
What is “the sleeve” but a second hand? Stuff your best cards up there and whip ‘em out as needed.
Respect the Rules
We’re not savages. A rules-based society is the only thing keeping us from Time Streaming back into apes. That’s why you respect the official rules of this trading card game.
Specifically, you’ll want to respect the tardiness penalty (if your opponent doesn’t show after 3 minutes, they get a game loss, and after 10 minutes they get a match loss). So, make sure you show up bright and early, ideally after jamming some hotel room doors, cutting some brake lines, or stealing the one card that grants you entry.
Exercise Your Second Amendment Rights
When all else fails, just remember that Monster Reborn doesn’t work on people. That punk kid can’t sign the match result slip if he gets hit by your Barrel Dragon, know what I’m saying? Now sure, there’s no way this works on a holder of a Millennium Item, but there’s only like seven of those dweebs to worry about.
Apologies to my American readers, but this’ll only work in Japan.
Be the Bigger Man
There’s nothing wrong with admitting when someone has got you beat. Especially if that person has access to cards that can resurrect you from the dead, or ancient artefacts forged from the blood of slaughtered innocents that can straight up possess you.
It’s Fine to Hit a Child
There’s no way that little shit beat me! I don’t care if Pegasus gave him the secret to life itself, I totally had that duel in the bag. See how fast your lifepoints drop when I summon my fists in Attack Mode.
