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Timothée Chalamet to Star in Untitled “Young Timothee Chalamet” Biopic

LOS ANGELES — Teen heartthrob Timothée Chalamet is rumored to star in the yet-untitled feature film Young Timothée Chalamet, a biographical drama that portrays the life and times of actor Timothée Chalamet.

“It’s been tough whittling down from the auditions, but I think we’re on the edge of picking a real winner,” said casting director Maxim Bennet to Deadline. “We just don’t wanna lock ourselves into anything quite yet. Timothée Chalamet could be our Young Timothée Chalamet, but we still have to explore options. All I can say is that fans of a certain actor whose name rhymes with Shmimomee Schmalamet are in for a real treat.”

Attached screenwriter to the project Charlie Kaufman was excited about the prospect of Chalamet’s casting.

“I’m about to go Full Kauf on this, I swear to fucking Christ,” said Kaufman, smacking his wet lips, salivating. “Just foot to the floor. If we can get our hands on that sweet little angel, we’re gonna be looking at something huge. This is gonna be to Being John Malkovich what Hocus Pocus 2 was to Hocus Pocus. At least, I hope so. That was a perfect sequel.”

Despite the hearsay, Chalamet seemed lukewarm on the prospect of his casting.

“I’m a good little boy. I go where I’m kicked,” said the sizzling Hollywood starlet. “They keep telling me I’m a star, but every star dies and collapses in on itself eventually. How long before I fade into obscurity? Before I’m wrung dry, cast aside? Today, I might be Young Timothée Chalamet, but tomorrow, I’ll be Old Timothée Chalamet, and before I know it, I’ll be Dead Timothée Chalamet. The snake will eat its tail. I will be replaced. And so to you.”

Chalamet stared blankly, letting the ash on a lit cigarette burn down to his knuckles. 

“So yeah, I’m pretty hopeful,” he concluded. “I think I’d capture the character well.”

UPDATE: The rumour has been dispelled, with sources reporting that Chris Pratt has been cast as Young Chalemet, with the titular actor making only a brief cameo as his own father.

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