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This Cannes Film Ended Hours Ago and All I Want to Do Is Stop Clapping and Sit Down

If you are reading this, you need to get out of here and get help. I am currently at the Cannes Film Festival and trapped in this standing ovation for a film I can’t even remember the name of. My hands won’t stop clapping and I can’t sit down. I am only able to write this to you, thanks to the fancy new Neuralink I got implanted into my brain (I can afford Cannes so of course I can afford a Neuralink).

Oh no, the film’s director is crying and taking another bow. The smug fuck is using his hands to blow kisses at us. Great, now he’s going on about his rough childhood in Hidden Hills. He’s thanking his legendary producer grandmother and his filmmaker parents for being there every step of the way. If I could do anything but clap, I’d strangle this man. And now he’s going on about the long road it took to get here. What was the road, pal? You ride all the way up the Bd du Midi Louise Moreau (that’s a French road for my uncultured readers, but never mind that, go get help)!

Please, this is no laughing matter. I just met another member of the press who has been trapped here in a standing ovation since 2006. He says his name is Paul, I’m not one hundred percent sure though. I can only hear bits and pieces between thunderous applause. Paul saw  Pan’s Labyrinth and has now been stuck in an 18-year-long standing ovation. He had a newborn when he came to Cannes. He just wants to stop clapping so he can hug his now-adult daughter and strangle Guillermo Del Toro.

A blister has formed on my hand. Please help, I can’t stop clapping my blister. This is more painful than watching Megalopolis and Horizon: An American Saga – Chapter 1 back-to-back. I was able to escape those ovations. Why was I so foolish to tempt the fates and see another film? What is all this dogshit? Movies are a business, but why are we in the middle of a literal arms race dictated by standing ovation length? If I could do anything but clap right now, I’d start giving these film nerds a wedgie, starting with that Iger schmuck.

Please, if you are reading this, these people have families and we all just want to go home. I can’t do this anymore. There’s only one way out. Must short circuit my Neuralink by bashing my head into the nearest wall. Here goes nothing. Fadsfadlkjfdskfgjh That hurt. Aldkjaf;alskdfjsaghao c0me oN. Rlnfgw;wwewkrtb Chris PraTt’s a good acTor. Qjwkhfjvnwkwqerg Garfield is PuRE cINeMa. A;ldkfjasd;flk Neuralink Offline.

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