DALY CITY, Calif. — Self-described otaku Frank Nelson, otherwise known as Nelson-senpai, was shocked to discover that the manga he thought he’d slavishly devote the next year of his fandom to, The NeverEnding Story, turned out to be some gaijin boomer movie from the ’80s with an actual ending.
“It’s not that I expected something as expansive as One Piece or JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, I’m not an idiot,” stated Nelson. “But when I pick up something that purports to be some manner of ‘story that will never reach a conclusion and therefore never be able to disappoint you,’ I buy it and expect to see a menagerie of needlessly sexy women of vastly different, often inappropriate ages, and males so dull that I can easily project myself onto them, to live out my ever more bizarre and unlikely fantasy life!”
Nelson, who has never ventured outside of the state he was born in, continued pontificating on the virtues of a bottomless well with no resolution.
“I mean seriously, it was going so well!” said Nelson. “I didn’t realize how influential isekais were on America in the ‘80s, but this had it all: a boring nothing character for me to inhabit, a child who’s actually an ageless empress so it’s not weird, lasers, a furry moon dragon, and random character deaths. It had everything I loved and then… it just stopped?! And I’m supposed to move on to something else?! I think not, my friends, and I’m in the know on this. I get the Japanese mentality!”
Nelson’s friend, Yuki Saito, clarified her friend’s arrested approach towards media.
“‘Friend’ is a strong word,” Saito emphasized before continuing. “I just think that when his father left, Nelson became obsessed with things never ending and started to see all endings as inherently poisonous and toxic. I dunno, we went on one date and he wouldn’t shut up about ‘my people’s heritage,’ but like… dude, I’m from Bakersfield. My people’s heritage isn’t cartoons that serve to fulfill your weird power fantasies, it’s meth and staph-infected rest stops off the 5.”
At press time, Nelson-senpai was eagerly eyeing the direct-to-video sequels to The NeverEnding Story and wondering if they kept it pure.