Making movies is hard work and if there’s one thing a passion project shouldn’t be it’s difficult. Every artist worth their salt wishes they could slap together some images and sounds to make a movie rather than the tiresome business of “craft” or “talent”.
As a tech guy working in Silicon Valley, I hate it when art gets in the way of commerce or if art makes me feel things or art that makes me think about my place in the world. No, that’s all for losers so here are my top ten tips for making movies using AI instead of love, hard work, or dedication.
Consistency is for Losers
Continuity errors are something that people complain about with movies but those people are dorks. So what, a character’s drink is a bit more full from scene to scene, or a character changes ethnicity when they leave a room. Big deal. And yeah, maybe the AI means that a character’s entire body might change each frame, but only the dorks will notice and you’re not a dork are you?
Don’t worry about the amount of Fingers.
People don’t notice if your character has six, seven, or even eight fingers on each hand. Just make sure you name the characters after their finger amount like in my movie Johnny 25 Fingers vs the Martians.
Dialogue is Overrated
No one goes to the movies to listen to talking. They want explosions, rock music, and the sounds of engines revving. That’s why in my movies when a character opens their mouths, they don’t speak, they make the sounds of explosions, rock music, and engines revving. It’s cool, effective, and cheaper than buying a subscription to Respeecher.
As long as the car chases are fast no one minds if the car keeps changing make and color
Ever watched Bullitt or The French Connection? Me neither, but I saw some clips on TikTok and they have cool car chases which people like. But those movies are from the 1920s or something so when we’re making movies we tell our AI program to use those other movies but %1000 faster. And yeah, sometimes the car changes make and color and amount of wheels between shots, but when that happens we just speed it up. Yeah, fast cars get me hard in a way that women can’t anymore because of my AI porn addiction.
AI music is the Future.
Music is hard to make, good music even harder. That’s why it’s best to let an AI program make something that sounds like music but without any talent or soul. AI will put instruments together haphazardly and if you want to make Kendrick Lamar duet with Frank Sinatra on a reggae song, you can go nuts. You’ve probably guaranteed your spot in Hell doing that, but it’s better than studying a craft.
Scenes can happen in any order.
Beginning, middle, and end is for pussies. With modern movies, people don’t care what order the movie takes. Tell the AI program to make a movie and who cares if the credits happen five minutes in or a character dies in one scene and is alive in the next? After all, movies are just something to put on in the background while the bros and I are masterminding. Just let me know when the chick with four undulating boobs is onscreen, amirite?
Actors take it as a compliment if you use their image
Actors are busy and they don’t have time to be in every movie they want to be in, or even the ones they don’t want to be in e.g. the ones you’re making. AI gives a quick solution by simply, what’s the word?…stealing their image. They don’t get paid but they don’t do any of the work so it’s really win-win.
When in doubt, make the characters nude
With AI, post-production is basically being God. Want your actor to have different colored hair or eyes or skin? Press a few buttons and voila, your sort of human-looking character now has blond hair and blue eyes. Feel like the scene is missing something? Make everyone nude. Chances are the AI won’t be able to recreate genitals in a way that offends censors even though it might be a crime against nature.
Dead actors can’t say no.
Looking to cast your movie? Look forward to working with prima donna actors wanting to be paid and work reasonable hours. Have fun with so-called thespians who won’t read your script because it’s “bad” or “incomprehensible”. Instead, why not cast Chadwick Boseman or Philip Seymour Hoffman in your movie? They won’t say no to your requests because they’re dead. And because they’re dead, people will want to see your movie so they can see them again. Is it ghoulish? We don’t know the meaning of the word and we’re too busy to look it up.
Viewers don’t want to see a single frame of love or effort in their movies.
You know when you read a movie review and the critic writes that they can see the filmmaker has created a labor of love? Well, that sounds gay and not very alpha. All viewers want is moving pictures in front of their eyes with no distractions like love of craft, creativity, or the slightest hint that a filmmaker has enjoyed making the thing they’re watching.
