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Teen Shipping Her Divorced Parents

OKEMOS, Mich. — Sources report that Joanna Nowak, 13, has been playfully daydreaming about what might happen if there were a relationship between her two favorite characters, Alan and Beth Nowak.

“I have, like, five notepads of fan-fiction where dad — I mean, ‘Alan’ — saves Beth from an alien invasion. She falls madly in love with him, and he moves out of that apartment complex and back home,” Joanna told her increasingly depressed friends. “I mean, back to their headquarters.”

Nowak’s teachers have grown concerned about the girl’s obsession with what they first thought was a TV show. Art teacher Carol Bristow recalled that Joanna drew a comic book in class called The Amazing Return Of Everyone Together Again At Christmas which she quickly gave to the school counselor.

“At first I thought she wanted her old man to be a superhero, like most kids,” Nowak’s father confided in a coworker. “But she keeps drawing these disturbing pictures of me and that cold-hearted bitch holding hands. At what point do we send her to a therapist?”

A review of the young Nowak’s internet post history shows a disturbing trend of the young woman’s obsession with a fictional story with no basis in reality.

“What we have here is a clear case of psychosis,” child psychologist Claire Kova explained to Nowak’s parents when they, begrudgingly, met together at school for a conference. “The bounds of our world have snapped for Joanna. She even posits a parallel universe where her mother never meets that yoga instructor.”

Source close to the family say that Joanna is apparently hard at work on a new story where Alan and Beth rescue her dog Jack from a farm upstate.

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