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Tech Expert in Boomer Heist Team Just Guy Who Knows How to Use Gmail

WILMINGTON, Del. — Investigators have revealed that the multimillion-dollar robbery of Utmost Holdings CEO Adrian White hinged on a man known only as “Potsie,” who reportedly has deep tech expertise in Google’s email client, Gmail.

“I’ve stolen a lot in my 72 years, but I’ve never seen anything like the cyber-magic this guy pulled off on this one,” said heist crew leader Kenneth Bianchi, who claims not to know Potsie’s true identity. “That arrogant dumbass Adrian didn’t see it coming. Serves him right for not meeting my eye at the Rotary Club a few months back.”

According to Bianchi, he “had occasion to obtain” the password to White’s personal Gmail, and handed it off to Potsie, who used “high-level coding” to access the CEO’s bank accounts.

“I tried logging into Adrian’s bank account with the Gmail password, but it didn’t work. I figured that was the end of that. But then I heard about this guy who could work wonders with computers,” said Bianchi in his affidavit. “The guy did something complicated — I don’t know, I normally have my kids or grandkids take care of that kind of thing.”

Local police have struggled to figure out how Potsie pulled off the heist, but they’ve gathered a few clues that they hope to pass to federal agencies.

“From what we can tell, ‘Potsie’ figured out a way to reset the bank password using Gmail. That’s all we know — and honestly, it may be all we ever know,” explained detective James Rosen, 66, who took a computer science class in the 1990s. “One of the junior officers said Potsie might have used ‘filters’ to bypass the inbox, but that sounds like nonsense to me. I don’t see what water filters have to do with the Internet.”

An employee at Utmost Holdings confirmed that White’s Gmail inbox was full of password reset and transaction notifications, all marked as read — as well as hundreds of mailing list emails from the past two weeks alone, all unread. The employee also claimed the tragedy was preventable.

“Mr. White keeps his passwords on a Post-It on his desk. A strong breeze could steal them,” said Angela Strachan, 34, an analyst in the IT department. “If he’d let me set up two-factor authentication like I recommended, he’d be nine figures richer right now. Maybe he didn’t get my text — he’s never been much of a texter.”

Despite having regained exclusive access to his Gmail account, White has yet to respond to an emailed request for comment. His representatives claimed he no longer trusts email, and that’s why he’s insisting all his employees return to the office.

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