ALTOONA, Pa. — The McDonald’s employee who is suspected of ratting out the killer of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson to the authorities was an avid player of Where’s Waldo, according to their coworkers.
According to the other employees of McDonald’s, the alleged rat, whose identity has not yet been disclosed to the public, would often be reading Where’s Waldo books during their lunch break.
“They would always be reading those books at lunch, getting really excited whenever they found Waldo,” said another employee of the McDonald’s who wished to remain anonymous. “Sometimes they’d be a little late coming back from break because they were just so into finding Waldo. And not just finding him, but announcing it to everyone. They’d get up and start shouting that they found Waldo, running around and pointing him out to every person who would listen. It was really troubling behavior but I never would have guessed it would lead to them becoming a rat.”
Psychologist Martin Van Nostrand says that it isn’t surprising to see such an avid player of Where’s Waldo end up becoming a rat.
“We’ve been studying the correlation between playing Where’s Waldo and real life snitching for years and all the research has shown us that there’s definitely a connection. Unlike something such as, let’s say, video games and violence, in which there’s been proven to be absolutely no direct correlation at all, playing Where’s Waldo enough is in fact linked to becoming a real life rat. It changes your brain chemistry. Your whole identity becomes enveloped by the need to find Waldo and point him out to everyone and when you go back to the real world and Waldo isn’t there, you end up getting your fix by finding other people to dime out for a dopamine hit. You’re no longer a person in a society helping out your fellow man, you’re a pod person helping the authoritative invasive species win.”
The revelation has sparked outrage online and a call to ban Where’s Waldo.
“Enough is enough and it’s time for a change,” wrote angry user Resist42069 on X – The Everything App. “It makes me sick to my stomach that anyone can just purchase this abhorrent material. We are creating a culture of snitching and birthing a generation of no good rats and it needs to stop. The fact that even kids buy these books and play along with them is disgusting. If we want to better society we need to ban these books for good and prevent anyone from ever again becoming a rat.”
At press time, many prominent figures have sent their thoughts and prayers to Luigi Mangione, the victim of this terrible ratting out.
